Dialogues of the Dead

'. .. putting on my top hat, brushing off my tails,' sang Andy Dalziel. 'Andy, you are not wearing tails,' called Cap Marvell from her bedroom. 'Wasn't talking about me clothes,' said Dalziel, looking down complacently at the kilt which encompassed his promontory buttocks. Cap emerged from the bedroom. 'I don't like the sound of that. You are wearing something underneath that skirt, aren't you?' For answer he lifted the kilt to reveal a pair of Union Jack boxer shorts and did a twirl. Then he let his gaze run the whole length of the woman's body from the discreet diamond tiara in her hair down the deeply cloven wine-coloured silk evening gown to the silver diamante-edged shoes and said, 'By gum, tha looks a treat.' 'Thank you kindly,' she said. 'And you too, Andy. A treat. That I take it is your family tartan?' 'Doubt it. Don't think the Dalziels have their own so likely the old man chose this one to match his bonny blue eyes.' 'So he wasn't a professional Scot, then?' 'No. A baker and a pragmatist. The kilt's the best garment in the world for three things, he used to say, and one of them was dancing.' 'Dare I ask the other two?' 'Defecation and copulation,' said the Fat Man. 'Shall we go?' 'Yes, I'm ready. Andy, I'm really touched you said you'd come tonight.. .' '... but?' 'But nothing.'

-'7J 'I know a but when I hear one,' said Dalziel. 'But will I promise to behave myself, is that it?' She laughed and said, 'Don't be silly. Half the pleasure of going to my son's regimental ball is the chance to behave badly. I've been trying to embarrass him for years., I think he enjoys it. No, if there was a but it was: But I hope that for once there's no chance of work rearing its ugly head. This is one time I'd be really pissed off to find myself coming home early, or left to the tender mercies of baby-faced subalterns who treat me like their gran, or randy majors who think it would be a laugh to stick it to the colonel's mother.' 'Any on 'em try that and it'll be piss-pots at dawn,' said Dalziel. 'I promised, luv, remember? No bugger knows where I'm at, and if you and the Hero don't mention what I do for a living, I certainly won't. Let the sojer boys think I'm your rich sugar daddy. As for being called out, I've not got a mobile or even a pager with me. You can search me, if you like.' He looked at her hopefully. 'Later,' she laughed. 'I look forward to searching you later. So that's a promise. You won't even be thinking about work.' 'Nay, I never said that,' he protested. 'When I'm having the time of my life, you'd not deprive me of the pleasure of thinking about all those poor sods back here working their fingers to the bone.' 'You don't really believe that, do you? When the cat's away ...' He smiled tigerishly. 'There's cats and cats,' said Andy Dalziel.