In the Woods

"We're all under a lot of stress," said O'Kelly. "Serial killer. That's all we need. What's next?"

"Fourth is the one that could get dodgy, sir," said Cassie. "Jonathan Devlin, the father, runs the Move the Motorway campaign in Knocknaree. Apparently that's pissed off a few people. He says he's had three anonymous phone calls in the last couple of months, threatening his family if he doesn't back off. We're going to have to find out who has a serious stake in that motorway going through Knocknaree."

"Which means fucking about with property developers and county councils," said O'Kelly. "Jesus."

"We'll need as many floaters as we can get, sir," I said, "and I think we'll need someone else from Murder."

"Too bloody right, you will. Take Costello. Leave him a note; he's always in early."

"Actually, sir," I said, "I'd like to have O'Neill." I have nothing against Costello, but I definitely did not want him on this one. Apart from the fact that he was basically dreary and this case was depressing enough without him, he was the dogged type who would go through the old case file with a fine-tooth comb and start trying to trace Adam Ryan.

"I'm not putting three rookies on a high-profile case. You two are only on this because you spend your breaks surfing for porn, or whatever you were doing, instead of getting some fresh air like everyone else."

"O'Neill's hardly a rookie, sir. He's been in Murder for seven years."

"And we all know why," said O'Kelly, nastily. Sam made the squad at twenty-seven; his uncle is a mid-level politician, Redmond O'Neill, who is usually junior Minister for Justice or the Environment or something. Sam deals with it well: whether by nature or by strategy, he is placid, reliable, everyone's favorite backup, and this deflects most of the potential for snide commentary. He still gets the odd bitchy remark, but these are usually reflexive, like O'Kelly's had been, rather than actively malicious.

"That's exactly why we need him, sir," I said. "If we're going to poke our noses into county council business and all the rest of it without making too many waves, we need someone who's got contacts in that circle."

O'Kelly glanced at the clock, moved to smooth his comb-over and then thought better of it. It was twenty to eight. Cassie recrossed her legs, settled more comfortably on the table. "I guess there could be pros and cons," she said. "Maybe we should discuss-"

"Ah, whatever, have O'Neill," said O'Kelly irritably. "Just get the job done and don't let him piss anyone off. I want reports on my desk every morning." He stood up and started patting papers into rough piles: we were dismissed.

Out of absolutely nowhere I felt a sudden sweet shot of joy, piercing and distilled as the jolt I imagine heroin users get when the fix hits the vein. It was my partner bracing herself on her hands as she slid fluidly off the desk, it was the neat practiced movement of flipping my notebook shut one-handed, it was my superintendent wriggling into his suit jacket and covertly checking his shoulders for dandruff, it was the garishly lit office with a stack of marker-labeled case files sagging in the corner and evening rubbing up against the window. It was the realization, all over again, that this was real and it was my life. Maybe Katy Devlin, if she had made it that far, would have felt this way about the blisters on her toes, the pungent smell of sweat and floor wax in the dance studios, the early-morning breakfast bells raced down echoing corridors. Maybe she, like me, would have loved the tiny details and the inconveniences even more dearly than the wonders, because they are the things that prove you belong.

I remember that moment because, if I am honest, I have them so seldom. I am not good at noticing when I'm happy, except in retrospect. My gift, or fatal flaw, is for nostalgia. I have sometimes been accused of demanding perfection, of rejecting heart's desires as soon as I get close enough that the mysterious impressionistic gloss disperses into plain solid dots, but the truth is less simplistic than that. I know very well that perfection is made up of frayed, off-struck mundanities. I suppose you could say my real weakness is a kind of long-sightedness: usually it is only at a distance, and much too late, that I can see the pattern.

5

Neither of us felt like a pint. Cassie rang Sophie's mobile and gave her the story about recognizing the hair clip from her encyclopedic knowledge of cold cases-I got the sense Sophie didn't really buy it, but didn't much care either way. Then she went home to type up a report for O'Kelly, and I went home with the old file.