Junior Year Box Set

“We were driving on one of those old two-lane roads that was paved on one half and dirt road on the other. You had to pay attention when you drove on the paved side, which was what we rode on into town. When we saw a tractor up ahead, we slowed down to give him time to move over so we could pass.

“My dad questioned me about the route I’d put us on, and I told him that this would be worth it. We sped back up and could see there was something in the middle of the road. When we got closer, we saw that it was a dead hog. There were already vultures hopping around on the roadside, so you knew it had been deceased for a while. Even though it was December, it was in the mid-seventies.

“Dad began to slow down, but I told him that the car would clear it, so he straddled the dead hog and drove on. When we hit the edge of town, we found an old gas station, and Dad pulled in to fill up. We were both surprised to see a sign that said ‘Full Service.’ They had the old-style pumps, and they didn’t take a credit card at them. It was nice to see some places still had customer service.

“Mom and Greg both woke up when we stopped. Greg said he had to use the restroom, and Mom wanted to know where we were. I told her about the pie I planned to have for lunch. She didn’t think much of my plan but was starting to get hungry. Then she crinkled up her nose and asked what that smell was.

“Dad and I turned back to try to figure out what she was talking about. At that moment, the gas station attendant walked out. He looked to be fresh out of high school. He asked my dad to pop the hood so he could check the fluids while he filled the gas tank. The guy then walked back and put the nozzle into the car. He bent over to look at something, and then he barfed on the trunk. You might not know this about me, but I’m a sympathetic puker. All I have to do is see someone gag, and I’m right there with them. It looked like he had the full serving of biscuits and gravy for breakfast. Dad saw me, reached across the car, opened my door, and shoved me out as I began to gag. I think he must have broken some child-abuse law; I found myself lying on the pavement.

“My mom is no-nonsense and got out of the car to see what might be wrong with the poor boy. He was backing up and pointing towards the camper. I’ll never forget the expression on my mom’s face as she covered her mouth in horror and ran for the gas station. I, of course, had to see what all the fuss was about.

“Have you ever wished you could unsee something? Well, I wish I’d never seen that. It seems that the post you crank down to raise the camper off the hitch hung lower than the car. The post had not missed the hog. I guess that the carcass must have been swollen from the heat because it exploded upon impact, and gore spewed all over the camper and the back of the car. Then the smell hit me, and I was done. I joined the gas station attendant in barfing. What makes me really sad was I no longer even wanted pecan pie. To this day, I regret not stopping at the diner to get a slice. I really would like to know what the best pecan pie in Georgia tasted like.

“Greg came out, eating a doughnut. The so-and-so had used his Christmas money and hadn’t thought to share. Mom and Dad had rules about things like that. If you got something, you got enough for everyone. I realize it was wrong, but I pointed around the side of the car. Greg strolled over and looked at me with a confused expression, but I pointed again. He was curious and looked. I’ve prayed for forgiveness, but I’m not sure God believes I’m really sorry about what I did. Greg dropped his offending jelly doughnut on the ground and ran for the bathroom, but only made it a couple of steps before he threw up.

“Mom and I refused to get back into the car until Dad took it to the carwash and cleaned up the mess. My poor dad is always the one that gets a task like that. Frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t just leave us there. Years later, Uncle John still complains about finding hog hair lodged in crevices of the camper,” I finished and found blank stares looking back at me.

On cue, a server brought the tables three plates of nachos with all the fixings. I took one look at the messy appetizer, and an evil grin crept onto my face.

“Mmmm, pork,” I said.

Some people have no sense of humor.

◊◊◊

Everyone had a great time. High Velocity was perfect for a bunch of football players. They had sixty-five big-screen TVs showing sports. The food was good bar food. My mom and Phil’s mom even seemed to hit it off somewhat. I’d been worried when I had Phil tag along. They say you can’t pick your family, and it looked like Mom and Vickie were going to make an effort to work it out. I noticed my dad stayed far away from the two of them, clearly smarter than I usually gave him credit for.