Lone eagle

“Are we ever getting married, Joe? Or have you decided to skip it entirely?” Even he had to admit that he'd been avoiding the issue. He had liked the idea when he talked to Clarke, and he saw some merit to it, particularly for Kate, given her history, but it just seemed so unnecessary to him, from his point of view at least. And the truth was, he finally admitted to her again, he didn't want to have children. He had thought about it repeatedly, and knew it wasn't for him. It just wasn't what he wanted out of life. All he wanted were his business and his planes, and Kate to come home to at night. He didn't want kids or need marriage. He didn't want to be that tied down. What he was doing was too exciting. The prospect of screaming babies in the house and diapers to change horrified him. He had hated his own childhood, and had no desire to share, much less deal with, someone else's. “Are you telling me that if we get married, you don't want kids?” It was the first time he had actually spelled it out for her. She knew he wasn't enthusiastic about them, but it had never occurred to her that he had made a firm decision. And he had never before shared that with her quite as directly. He thought it was better not to. And she had been so incredibly helpful in his business that he had no desire to lose her to some screaming brat. Marriage seemed ominous enough to him without adding children to it.

“I think that is what I'm saying,” he said honestly. He had never lied to her, he just didn't discuss it. “In fact, I know it. I don't want kids.” That decision had made him question the point of getting married, in spite of everything Clarke had told him a year before.

“Wow,” she said, sitting back in a chair in his apartment. She had no home of her own, just his sparsely furnished place, her hotel room, and her parents’ home in Boston. She felt as though she had been slapped after what he'd just said. “I've always wanted to have children.” It was a huge sacrifice for her to make for him, but she also knew how much she loved him, and she didn't want to lose him. Not after losing him for nearly two years during the war. She knew what that felt like. She wondered if he'd change his mind about having kids once they got married. It was a risk she could take, but he wasn't suggesting they get married either. All discussions of that had ended months before. “What do you think, Joe?” she asked him after he had told her about not having children.

“About what?” He looked at her awkwardly. He felt cornered by the questions she had asked.

“About marriage. Have you ruled that out too?” She was upset that he hadn't told her he'd decided he didn't want children. It seemed unfair not to have at least said so, but admittedly, he was busy and had other things on his mind. He thought of his growing empire all the time, and nothing else these days.

“I don't know,” he said vaguely. “Do we need to? If we're not going to have kids, why get married?” His walls had gone up and there was a look of panic in her eyes.

“Are you serious?” She was staring at him as though he were a stranger, and she was beginning to think he had become one. She wasn't quite sure when. But everything had changed again. She couldn't help wondering if his decision not to tell anyone the year before that they had decided to get married was so that he would have the freedom to change his mind. And apparently, he had.

“Do we have to talk about this now? I have an early meeting tomorrow.” He looked annoyed, and wanted the conversation to end. Just talking about it made him feel trapped, and worse yet, guilty for not wanting to marry her. And guilt was the one thing Joe couldn't stand. It struck terror in his heart, and it was a pain more acute than any he had ever known. It brought back each and every nightmare from his past, especially the echoed voices of the cousins who had relentlessly told him how “bad” he was as a child.

“This is our life we're talking about, our future,” Kate insisted, “I think that may just be important.” There was an edge to her voice that was like fingernails on a blackboard to him. Her tone reminded him of her mother instantly.

“Do we have to settle it tonight?” He was irritated, but she was more so. She could feel him withdrawing, which made her want to clutch at him, and only drove him away more. They were trapped in a deathly dance. She was feeling abandoned by him, and sensing that in her, and the panic it caused, made him want to run.

Joe wanted to escape, and hide somewhere to lick his wounds, but Kate wasn't wise enough to leave him alone. Panic was a powerful force she could not control.