Mistress

I shook my head, my throat full. “We’re totally broke, remember? And your bail is five million dollars.” I pressed my palm to the glass at roughly the same angle as his, as if the connection brought us closer. “Please don’t keep saying you might be guilty, Matty. It can’t be true.”

The door behind him squealed open. “Time’s up,” the guard said.

“I’m sorry, kiddo.” Matthew shot me what looked like an apologetic smile as he was pulled away. The door slammed behind them and I just sat there, stunned.

“You taking up residence or what?” the guard standing behind me said. I got up and walked briskly down the hall in front of him, pretending I wasn’t completely broken inside.

When I emerged from the Tombs, the bright sunlight hit my eyes and they burned. I squinted as I hailed a cab on Baxter, then slammed the door so hard the whole car rattled.

“Please take me home,” I said to the cabbie.

He drilled me through the rearview mirror with his hard black eyes. “You want me to guess where you live?”

“The Dakota,” I barked, in no mood. “Just go.”

The cab leapt forward, and we headed uptown.

JACOB SCOWLED. YEP. There was the commando I’d read about. Hugo’s mouth snapped shut instantly.

“Go.” Jacob directed his fierce no-shit gaze at us and said, “And Tandy, call Pest Control. Now.”

“Don’t have to ask me twice,” I replied.

Then I yanked Hugo into the hall.

“When I’m an adult, you can expect payback,” Hugo said to Jacob. “And believe me, karma is a peach.”

Jacob cracked a smile at Hugo, checked his gun, and slammed the door on us. I found the number for the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, and after numerous rings, a woman with a languid voice answered.

“This is Officer Blum, how on earth may I help you?”

“There’s a venomous snake loose in our apartment.”

I jumped at the sound of gunfire followed by breaking glass.

“Oh, man!” Hugo pouted, disappointed. I ran a hand over his hair in what I hoped was a conciliatory gesture. Crazy kid.

“Where should we send the unit?” the woman asked.

I gave our address. “How fast can you get here?”

“Say again?” said Officer Blum, alarmed. “You’re in the Dakota?”

“Yes, we’re in the Dakota.” I gripped the phone and said, “I’ve ID’d the snake. It’s a cobra. Maybe a forest cobra. Definitely deadly.”

“I hope you’ve got nerves of steel, then, young lady. Don’t make any sudden movements. You don’t want to make that snake angry.”

My office door opened and Jacob came out holding four and a half feet of inky-black cobra. Its head was gone, but its body still twisted in Jacob’s hand. My throat pretty much closed up.

Jacob brought the snake over to Hugo.

“Here’s your snake, young man. Take a good look. I hope you never see one of these again. Now, bring me a shopping bag, a broom, and the vacuum cleaner, please.”

“Hello?” Officer Blum said. “Are you still there? Was this your snake? Was it your pet?”

“No way. Why would you think that?” I asked.

“I hate to tell you,” she said, “but this is not the first snake loose in the Dakota today. In fact, it’s the third. Pest Control is in your building right now.”

I gripped the phone more tightly. “Are you kidding me?”

Jacob eyed me curiously.

“Do I sound like I’m kidding?”

“What the hell is going on?” I asked Officer Blum.

“No idea, but I’ll tell the guys to come to your apartment next.”

I grimaced as Hugo held out an open garbage bag and Jacob deposited the gory body in it.

“Actually, that’s not necessary. This one is officially dead,” I said to Officer Blum. “Maybe I should just bring it to them.”

“Well, okay, then.”

She told me the Pest Control officers were on the second floor and I signed off.

“Where are we going?” Hugo asked me as we headed toward the front of the apartment with the heavy bag full of dead snake.

“To find the Pest Control guys,” I answered, slinging the bag over my shoulder. “Hugo, what were you actually looking for in Malcolm’s file drawer?”

“Cigarettes,” he said matter-of-factly.

“What?”

He lifted his shoulders. “I was looking for his stash.”

Before I could demand why he would do such a thing, he added, “In movies about writers, they all smoke. I’m getting into character.”

“Geesh, Hugo.” We paused in the foyer. “You want to stay four-foot-eight forever?”

“That’s a myth about cigarettes stunting your growth,” he said as I opened the front door. Then he shouted out to Jacob, “We’ll be right back.”

“Be back in five minutes,” Jacob shouted back. “Five.”

Hugo dashed across the hall and thumbed the call button until the elevator arrived. As we piled in, I turned over our latest drama in my mind. We didn’t live near a zoo. And there were no indigenous snakes in New York City.

So why were there snakes loose in the Dakota?

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