Moose County Legends

Short & Tall Tales many happy hours. A task force was sent to break into the undertaker’s shed. The coffin was propped against the bar.

Everyone rose and drank a solemn toast to good old Joe.

This actually happened. What can you say? It was more than a hundred years ago. And they were young.

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10.

“The Princess”

and the Pirates

A Legend from the Days of Sailing Ships The town of Horseradish on the shore of Lockmaster County was once a shipping port as well as an agricultural center. (It was once the horseradish capital of the Midwest.) Now it’s a resort town, but the natives cling to their color-ful legends. I was privileged to have a conversation with Dr. Teresa Bunker and capture it on tape.

—JMQ

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Is it true, Dr. Bunker, that horseradish fumes still linger and make an invigorating atmosphere for tourists?”

“Absolutely, but please call me Tess.”

“Were your forebears horseradish farmers?”

“No, they were in shipping. Our town was the chief port for all of Lockmaster County, and my great-grandfather’s adventures as captain of the sailing vessel Princess have made him a legendary figure. You see, all sorts of commodities were being shipped in and out. There was still some gold-mining in the interior, as well as a thriving fur trade, especially beaver. This made cargo ships prey to bucca-neers. Did you know there were pirates on the lakes at one time?”

“Your cousin told me that their victims were often made to walk the plank. He never mentioned the Princess.

”

“Oh, she was famous in her day! On one occasion the 쑽쑽쑽

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Lilian Jackson BraunPrincess sailed out of harbor with a cargo and had just lost sight of land when a craft with a black flag loomed on the horizon. Captain Bunker gave some unusual orders: When the pirate ship hove to, the crew would go below with crowbars and wet rags.

“A volley was fired across the bow of the Princess, and she dropped sail. Then all hands disappeared into the hold, which was stowed with kegs of grated horseradish mixed with vinegar. The pirates came aboard, stomping and curs-ing. Where was the blankety-blank crew? It was a blankety-blank ghost ship! They stormed down the hatch. . . .

Immediately the lids came off the kegs, and the fumes rose like poison gas! The pirates choked and staggered blindly, while the crew—masked with wet rags—threw handfuls of the stuff and swung their crowbars. Overpowered, the pirates were dragged to the deck and heaved overboard.

“The pirate story is true, but there are many Bun-yanesque tales about our town, like the cargo ship powered by horseradish fumes before steam boilers came into use.”

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11.

Wildcattin’ with

an Old Hog

The Recollections of an “Old Hoghead”

I first met Ozzie Penn in a retirement centerfor railroadmen—and immediately turned onmy tape recorder. He spoke the Old Moose di-alect, which still falls pleasantly on the ear. Hehad the engineer’s symbolic gold watch—a re-ward for always coming in on time.

—JMQ

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You were a master of your craft, I’m told. What does it take to make a good engineer?”

“L’arnin’ to start up slow and stop smooth. . . . L’arnin’

to keep yer head when it be hell on the rails. . . . Prayin’ to God fer a good fireman. . . . And abidin’ by rule G.”

“What’s the fireman’s job on a steam locomotive?”

“He be the one stokes the firebox an’ keeps the boiler steamin’. Takes a good crew to make a good run and come in on time. Spent my whole life comin’ in on time. Eleventh commandment, it were called. Now, here I be, an’ time don’t mean nothin’.”

“Why was it so important to be on time?”

“Made money for the comp’ny. Made wrecks, too . . .

takin’ chances, takin’ shortcuts.”

“Were you in many wrecks?”

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Lilian Jackson Braun

“Yep, an’ on’y jumped once. I were a youngun, dead-headin’ to meet a crew in Flapjack. Highballin’ round a curve, we run into a rockslide. Engineer yelled ‘Jump!’ an’ I jumped. Fireman jumped, too. Engineer were killed.”