My Secret Life

Though I had had such lots of women, and had heard of most things, yet simple, straighforward fucking had engrossed me, I rarely had out-of-the-way lusts and letches, and I never thought to ask if her friend buggered or sucked her, or if she sucked him, or what little amusements they were up to. At all events she must have satisfied him some way, for he had known her she said some years. A man was likely to stick to Louisa, for she was a magnificent piece of flesh, from her neck to her ankles.

So I believed Louisa, and felt interested in her belly beginning to swell, but did not want the young one, or the troubles of paternity, or to get her into trouble; besides I had no affection for her, though I liked fucking her better and better.

Louisa then was away ill; I saw her again when her womb was cleared out, and we took to fucking as usual. One day in baudy vagaries we had been posturing, and she straddled across my face, bringing her cunt right on to my mouth, and my nose to her bum, she had been asking me if I ever kissed Sarah in any way but the straight one. She began kissing my pego as she lay on the top of me, I kissed her buttocks, but took no hint, if any were intended. She was very heavy, and I noticed for the first time a strongish odour from her cunt which annoyed me; afterwards I used often to fancy she had a strong smell about her quim, and was fool enough to tell her so, which offended her; but we made it up.

After a little time she began asking me if I had not forgotten Sarah, — did I love her as much? — did I long to have her again? — di dshe (Louisa) not give me as much pleasure as Sarah? I had then got over my desolation a little, and only thought of Sarah and her exquisite form with a sigh, was annoyed that she had not written to me, and I began to confess to my-self, that for fucking, Sarah was not to be compared with Louisa. Then I began to wonder at my having been so infatuated, and let it out to Louisa one night. She said she wished I would keep her, three pounds a week, and she would make it do, and so on; and I began to think seriously about the matter, for the expenses at the baudy house were nearly that amount; and although my delicate senses had began to revolt at the strong smell of Louisa, yet her voluptuousness was enticing, and was making me actually constant to her. I had quite left off my Mulatto, Brighton Bessie, and one or two others of my queens.

Louisa was again taken ill, — the consequence of her miscarriage, and of the measures taken to bring that on I was told. She got worse and worse, and was in great danger; she never wrote to me, but often to Hannah, and her letters which I saw always referred to me affectionately; above all she wanted to know what ladies I had at J... s Street. Hannah winking at me used to say, “I'd like to know where you put it away now, — it's put somewhere.” I had taken no women to that house; but laughing said I was chaste. Hannah did not believe that, so I said I frigged my-self. “You don't spill it about in that way”, said she, “let me feel it”, — and she put her hand outside my clothes on to my tool. “Oho !—oho !—oho !” said she, for I stiffened. Then she brought me her accounts to cast up, and when it was done, “I shall take a nap”, said she, “you go now, for I expect Mrs and a strange lady” (I had looked in casually that morning), —and getting on to the bed she laid down showing her legs liberally, and looking at me all the time. “Good bye”, I said, and left; but have thought since that Hannah wanted me to have her. She never before or since looked at me in that way, nor behaved with such freedom when we were alone.

Her bed was as I have I think already told, in the front-parlour in J... s Street, and in an alcove, as many beds are in French hotels and houses; and when the curtains were drawn across it, the bed was entirely hidden.

And then when without a woman at my command, and with a frequent need for one, another piece of luck befell me. The way had been paved for it before Louisa was so ill.

Chapter XVI

A friend's maid-servant. • Jenny. • Initial familiarity. • A bum pinched. • Jenny communicative. • Her young man. • An attempt, a failure, a faint, a look, and a sniff. • Restoratives.