Out of the Darkness

As she always did, she rode with Fernao. The calendar said spring was here; the landscape wouldn’t listen to the calendar for another month, maybe longer. Fresh snow had fallen the night before. By the low gray clouds overhead, more might come down any time. A reindeer-drawn sleigh remained the best way to get around.

Though blankets covered them and kept the driver from seeing what they did beneath, Fernao kept his hands to himself. He hadn’t tried pushing things after Leino died. He knew Pekka well enough to understand that nothing would have been likelier to drive her away from him for good. And she’d stayed well apart from him on the trip out to the blockhouse. Now, for the first time since that dreadful day she got the news, she let her head rest on his shoulder. Maybe it’s the applejack, she thought. Even if it isn’t, I can blame it on the applejack.

Fernao’s narrow eyes widened. He put his arm around her. She discovered she was glad to have it there. She might not have been so glad had he tried to paw her, but he didn’t. He didn’t say anything, either. A Kuusaman would have. Most Lagoans, she thought, probably would. He was wise to keep quiet.

When they got to the hostel, they went upstairs together. Pekka’s chamber was one floor higher than Fernao’s, but she left the stairway with him. He still didn’t speak, not till they stood inside his room. Then, at last, he said, “Thank you. I love you.”

Do I really love him? Pekka wondered. Do I love him in a way that might make my life whole again, or at least not ripped to pieces? Do I love him in a way that would make me want him to help raise Uto? Do I want to give Uto a half brother or half sister by him? I don’t know, not for sure. But I think I’d better find out.

“Before,” she said, “our first times were accidents. This won’t be. I mean it.” Was she telling him or trying to convince herself? She wasn’t sure of that, either.

Fernao just nodded. He said, “I’ve always meant it.”

“I know,” Pekka answered, and started to laugh. Men were supposed to be the ones who didn’t want to get tied down. Women were supposed to look for loves that lasted. She and Fernao hadn’t worked that way, though. Maybe we will now, she thought.

She stepped toward him at the same time as he was stepping toward her. When they embraced, the top of her head didn’t come much past his shoulder. That sometimes bothered her. Today, it didn’t seem to matter.

It mattered even less when they lay down together. Pekka wondered if she would, if she could, take any pleasure. She wouldn’t have worried if she hadn’t; sometimes having arms around her was enough. But Fernao took his time and paid what seemed like special attention to her. The only thing that could have kept her from eventually arching her back and moaning was. . She couldn’t imagine anything that could have. Certainly, nothing did.

As she lay with her legs entwined with his, she wondered how much that truly mattered. Well, she thought, lazy in the afterglow, it can’t hurt.

All around Krasta, the servants at the mansion bustled like so many scurrying ants, getting the place ready for her brother’s marriage to the horrible, bloodthirsty peasant wench with whom he’d unaccountably become infatuated. That was how Krasta looked at the match, at any rate, and nothing was going to make her change her mind. Hardly anything ever made her change her mind.

A wedding invitation wouldn’t have done it. She was sure of that. It didn’t matter, though; no invitation had been forthcoming. Skarnu and Merkela expected her to stay in her bedchamber by herself while they celebrated. They had their nerve, as far as she was concerned.

Worst of all was that they would probably get what they expected. Had she not been enormously pregnant, she might well have done her best to interrupt, to upstage, the ceremony she so despised. Being about the size of a behemoth, though, did put a crimp in such plans. All she wanted to do was have the baby and get it over with. She’d been feeling that way for most of the past month.

Even Bauska was pressed into the service of Skarnu and Merkela, which infuriated Krasta afresh. Her maidservant did show her a little sympathy when she had time to make an appearance, saying, “Oh, aye, milady, before I finally had Brindza, I would have paid anything to get her the blazes out of there.”