Reaper Man

‘You’ve got every right to be alive or dead, just as you choose,’ said Reg severely.

‘One-Man-Bucket says people are dying properly again,’ said Mrs Cake. ‘So you could probably get an appointment.’

Windle looked around.

‘She’s taken your dog for a walk,’ said Mrs Cake.

‘Where’s Ludmilla?’ he said.

Windle smiled awkwardly. Mrs Cake’s premonitions could be very wearing.

‘It’d be nice to know that Lupine was being looked after if I … went,’ he said. ‘I wonder, could you take him in?’

‘Well …’ said Mrs Cake uncertainly.

‘But he’s—’ Reg Shoe began, and then saw Windle’s expression.

‘I must admit it’d be a relief to have a dog around the place,’ said Mrs Cake. ‘I’m always worrying about Ludmilla. There’s a lot of strange people around.’

‘But your dau—’ Reg began again.

‘Shut up, Reg,’ said Doreen.

‘That’s all settled, then,’ said Windle. ‘And have you got any trousers?’

‘What?’

‘Any trousers in the house?’

‘Well, I suppose I’ve got some that belonged to the late Mr Cake, but why—’

‘Sorry,’ said Windle. ‘My mind was wandering. Don’t know what I’m saying, half the time.’

‘Ah,’ said Reg, brightly, ‘I see. What you’re saying is that when he—’

Doreen nudged him viciously.

‘Oh,’ said Reg. ‘Sorry. Don’t mind me. I’d forget my own head if it wasn’t sewn on.’

Windle leaned back, and shut his eyes. He could hear the occasional scrap of conversation. He could hear Arthur Winkings asking the Archchancellor who did his decorating, and where the University got its vegetables. He heard the Bursar moaning about the cost of exterminating all the curse-words, which had somehow survived the recent changes and had taken up residence in the darkness of the roof. He could even, if he strained his perfect hearing, hear the whoops of Schleppel in the distant cellars.

They didn’t need him. At last. The world didn’t need Windle Poons.

He got up quietly and lurched to the door.

‘I’m just going out,’ he said. ‘I may be some time.’^{47}

Ridcully gave him a half-hearted nod, and concentrated on what Arthur had to say about how the Great Hall could be entirely transformed with some pine-effect wallpaper.

Windle shut the door behind him and leaned against the thick, cool wall.

Oh, yes. There was one other thing.

‘Are you there, One-Man-Bucket?’ he said softly.

how did you know?

‘You’re generally around.’

heh heh, you’ve caused some real trouble there! you know what’s going to happen next full moon?

‘Yes, I do. And I think, somehow, that they do too.’

but he’ll become a wolfman

.

‘Yes. And she’ll become a wolfwoman.’

all right, but what kind of relationship can people have one week in four?^{48}

‘Maybe at least as good a chance of happiness as most people get. Life isn’t perfect, One-Man-Bucket.’

you’re telling me?

‘Now can I ask you a personal question?’ said Windle. ‘I mean I’ve just got to know …’

huh.

‘After all, you’ve got the astral plane to yourself again.’

oh, all right.

‘Why are you called One—’

is that all? I thought you could work that one out, a clever man like you, in my tribe we’re traditionally named after the first thing the mother sees when she looks out of the tepee after the birth. it’s short for One-Man-Pouring-a-Bucket-of-Water-over-Two-Dogs

.

‘That’s pretty unfortunate,’ said Windle.

it’s not too bad, said One-Man-Bucket. it was my twin brother you had to feel sorry for. she looked out ten seconds before me to give him his name.

Windle Poons thought about it.

‘Don’t tell me, let me guess,’ he said. ‘Two-Dogs-Fighting?’

Two-Dogs-Fighting? Two-Dogs Fighting? said One-Man-Bucket. wow, he’d have given his right arm to be called Two-Dogs-Fighting.

It was later that the story of Windle Poons really came to an end, if ‘story’ means all that he did and caused and set in motion. In the Ramtop village where they dance the real Morris dance, for example, they believe that no-one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away — until the clock he wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life, they say, is only the core of their actual existence.

As he walked through the foggy city to an appointment he had been awaiting ever since he was born, Windle felt that he could predict that final end.