Terrible Tsarinas

Her Majesty Anna Ivanovna were never so funny (when they tried

to be) as he was when trying to look serious.

The procession traversed St. Petersburg amid a multitude of

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Terrible Tsarinas

spectators who prostrated themselves as the carriages went by,

making the sign of the cross and calling out their blessings and

good wishes for the young couple and the tsarina. Never did so

many candles glow in the Cathedral of Our Lady of Kazan.

Throughout the liturgy, Elizabeth was on the lookout for one of

her nephew’s little stunts, having come to expect some disruption

from him during the most serious occasions. But the service went

off without a hitch, including the exchange of rings. After risking

ankylosis by standing upright throughout the service, the assem-

bly then flexed its legs at the ball that, of course, capped the day’s

festivities.

However, no matter how much she enjoyed dancing, Eliza-

beth kept her mind on the essential matter — which was not the

Church blessing, and far less the minuets and the polonaises, but

the coupling which, in theory, should soon take place. By 9:00 in

the evening, she decided that it was time for the young couple to

withdraw. As a conscientious duenna, she led them to the bridal

apartment. The matrons and maids of honor, all a-twitter, gave

them escort. The grand duke discreetly disappeared to don his

night clothes. The grand duchess’s maidservants took advantage

of the husband’s absence to dress the young lady in a chemise that

was tantalizingly transparent, and capped her hair with a light

bonnet of lace; she was put to bed under the vigilant eye of the

empress. When Her Majesty judged that “the little one” was

“ready,” she exited — with theatrical slowness. She would have

loved dearly to be able to see what happened next. Would her

wretched nephew be able to summon up enough manhood to sat-

isfy this poor young girl? Wouldn’t they need her helpful advice?

Catherine looked frightened and had tears in her eyes — a virginal

apprehension that must only excite the desire of a normally con-

stituted man. But how would the eccentric grand duke behave?

Might he not harbor an impotence that no woman could cure?

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Elizabethan Russia

In the days that followed, she studied Catherine, vainly look-

ing for signs of conjugal satisfaction. The bride appeared increas-

ingly thoughtful and disillusioned. Questioning her chamber-

maids, Elizabeth learned that, every evening, after having joined

his wife in bed, instead of cherishing her, the grand duke would

amuse himself with the wooden figurines on his bedside table.

And often, they said, he would abandon the grand duchess on the

pretext of a headache to go have a drink and a laugh with some of

his friends in a nearby room. Sometimes he even played with the

servants, ordering them about as if they were soldiers on parade.

These may all have been harmless infantile pleasures, but they

must have been offensive, and worrisome, for a wife who was only

waiting to be undressed.

Catherine may have been languishing untouched at the side

of a husband who shirked his duties; but her mother was carrying

on shamelessly. In just a few months in St. Petersburg, she man-

aged to become the mistress of Count Ivan Betsky. She was

thought to be pregnant by him, and people were saying that even

if the grand duchess should be long in giving the empire an heir,

her dear mother would soon be presenting her with a little

brother or sister. Offended by the misconduct of this woman

who, out of regard for Catherine, should have moderated her pas-

sions during her stay in Russia, Elizabeth firmly invited her to

leave the country where she had exhibited only dishonor and stu-

pidity. After a pathetic scene, with excuses and justifications on

one side and icy contempt on the other, Johanna packed her bags

and returned to Zerbst without saying good-bye to her daughter,

who was sure to have reproached her.

Although having been dismayed by her mother’s extrava-

gances all this time, Catherine felt so alone after Johanna’s depar-

ture that her melancholy transformed into a quiet despair. Wit-

nessing this collapse, Elizabeth still struggled to believe that upon

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Terrible Tsarinas

seeing how unhappy his wife had become, Peter would draw

closer to Catherine and that her tears would succeed where ordi-

nary coquetry had failed. But, from one day to the next, the lack

of understanding between the spouses grew deeper. Upset by his

inability to fulfill his marital duty, as Catherine invited him to do

every night with a sweetly provocative smile, he took revenge by

claiming — with all the cynicism of an army grunt — that he had

other women, and that he even had a strong attachment else-

where. He told her that he had something going on with some of

her ladies-in-waiting, who supposedly held him in great affection.

In his desire to humiliate Catherine, he went as far as scoffing at

her subservience towards the Orthodox religion and for her re-