The Cream of the Jest

"Oh, well, all sensible people know, of course, that the trouble with prohibition is that it does not prohibit, and that woman's place is the home, not in the mire of politics."

"That is admirably put, sir, if you will permit me to say so. Still, there is a great deal to be said on both sides."

"And after all, is there not a greater menace to the ideals of Washington and Jefferson in the way our present laws tend uniformly to favor rich people?"

"There you have it, sir – to-day we punish the poor man for doing what the rich man does with entire impunity, only on a larger scale."

"By George, there are many of our so-called captains of industry who, if the truth were told, and a shorter and uglier word were not unpermissible, are little better than malefactors of great wealth."

This epigram, however heartily admired, was felt by many of the company to be a bit daring in the presence of the magnate: and the lean secretary spoke hastily, or at any rate, in less leisurely tones than usual:

"After all, money is not everything. The richest people are not always the happiest, in spite of their luxury."

"You gentlemen can take it from me," asserted the aeronaut, "that many poor people get a lot of pleasure out of life."

"Now, really though, that reminds me – children are very close observers, and, as you may have noticed, they ask the most remarkable questions. My little boy asked me, only last Tuesday, why poor people are always so polite and kind -"

"Well, little pitchers have big ears -"

"What you might call a chip of the old block, eh? – so that mighty little misses him?"

"I may be prejudiced, but I thought it pretty good, coming from a kid of six -"

"And it is perfectly true, gentlemen – the poor are kind to each other. Now, I believe just being kind makes you happier -"

"And I often think that is a better sort of religion than just dressing up in your best clothes and going to church regularly on Sundays -"

"That is a very true thought," another chimed in.

"And expressed, upon my word, with admirable clarity -"

"Oh, whatever pretended pessimists in search of notoriety may say, most people are naturally kind, at heart -"

"I would put it that Christianity, in spite of the carping sneers of science so-called, has led us once for all to recognize the vast brotherhood of man -"

"So that, really, the world gets better every day -"

"We have quite abolished war, for instance -"

"My dear sir, were there nothing else, and even putting aside the outraged sentiments of civilized humanity, another great or prolonged war between any two of the leading nations is unthinkable -"

"For the simple reason, gentlemen, that we have perfected our fighting machines to such an extent that the destruction involved would be too frightful -"

"Then, too, we are improving the automobile to such an extent -"

"Oh, in the end it will inevitably supplant the horse -"

"It seems almost impossible to realize how we ever got along without the automobile -"

"Do you know, I would not be surprised if some day horses were exhibited in museums -"

"As rare and nearly extinct animals? Come, now, that is pretty good -"

"And electricity is, as one might say, just in its infancy -"

"The telephone, for instance – our ancestors would not have believed in the possibilities of such a thing -"

"And, by George, they talk of giving an entire play with those moving-picture machines – acting the whole thing out, you know."

"Oh, yes, we live in the biggest, brainiest age the world has ever known -"

"And America is going to be the greatest nation in it, before very long, commercially and in every way…"

So the talk flowed on, with Felix Kennaston contributing very little thereto. Indeed, Felix Kennaston, the dreamer, was rather ill-at-ease among these men of action, and listened to their observations with perturbed attention. He sat among the great ones of earth – not all of them the very greatest, of course, but each a person of quite respectable importance. It was the sort of gathering that in boyhood – and in later life also, for that matter – he had foreplanned to thrill and dazzle, as he perfectly recollected. But now, with the opportunity, he somehow could not think of anything quite suitable to say – of anything which would at once do him justice and be admiringly received.

Therefore he attempted to even matters by assuring himself that the talk of these efficient people was lacking in brilliance and real depth, and expressed sentiments which, microscopically viewed, did not appear to be astoundingly original. If these had been less remarkable persons he would have thought their conversation almost platitudinous. And not one of these much-talked-about men, whatever else he might have done, could have written Men Who Loved Alison! Kennaston cherished that reflection as he sedately partook of a dish he recollected to have seen described, on menu cards, as "Hungarian goulash" and sipped sherry of no very extraordinary flavor…