The Devil's Dictionary

ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. Byron, who recovered long enough to call it “entuzy-muzy,” had a relapse, which carried him off — to Missolonghi.

ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.

EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military officer from the enemy — that is to say, from the officer of lower rank to whom his death would give promotion.

EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification from the senses.

EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:

We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To

serve oneself is economy of administration.

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a

nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal

activity.

There are three sexes; males, females and girls.

Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this:

they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility.

Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be

ashamed of.

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands

you are safe, for you can watch both his.

EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example:

Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,

Wise, pious, humble and all that,

Who showed us life as all should live it;

Let that be said — and God forgive it!

ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

So wide his erudition’s mighty span,

He knew Creation’s origin and plan

And only came by accident to grief —

He thought, poor man, ‘twas right to be a thief.

Romach Pute

ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, — exoteric, those that the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and esoteric, those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our time.

ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists.

EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi.

A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.

EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.

EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of Worcester, entitled, A Partial Definition of the Word “Everlasting,” as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures. His book was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of the soul.

EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. “The exception proves the rule” is an expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its absurdity. In the Latin, ”Exceptio probat regulam“ means that the exception tests the rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears to be immortal.

EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation.

Hail, high Excess — especially in wine,

To thee in worship do I bend the knee

Who preach abstemiousness unto me —

My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.

Precept on precept, aye, and line on line,

Could ne’er persuade so sweetly to agree

With reason as thy touch, exact and free,

Upon my forehead and along my spine.

At thy command eschewing pleasure’s cup,

With the hot grape I warm no more my wit;

When on thy stool of penitence I sit

I’m quite converted, for I can’t get up.

Ungrateful he who afterward would falter

To make new sacrifices at thine altar!

EXCOMMUNICATION, n.

This “excommunication” is a word

In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,