The Forbidden Queen

‘I hear what you say. By God, woman! Will you take the decision out of my hands?’ I could hear the rumble of temper in the ominous quiet.

‘Yes,’ I responded, before I could be swayed.

‘And if I do not agree?’

‘You must. We will not be together in body, but we will in spirit, and I know that you will be alive, and safe, to live your life to its allotted time.’ How well I had learned my words, even though my heart shuddered. I missed him between our rising and sitting down to break our fast. How could I contemplate a lifetime apart? Knowing that I had come to the end of my control and that Owen’s temper was about to explode like a hunting cat after its prey, I turned my face from him. ‘I have made my decision. Go back to Wales, where you will find peace and safety.’

And I walked away, climbing the stairs, closing the door of my chamber quietly behind me, because to do otherwise would be to slam it shut so that the sound reverberated through the whole castle.

Owen did not follow. He did not see the tears that washed ceaselessly down my cheeks to mark the velvet of my bodice. He did not see me stand with my back to the door, my palms pressed there as if I needed support. He did not see me dry my tears and determine not to weep again because tears would solve nothing, then fall to my knees and hide my face against the coverlet of my bed.

What had I done? How could I have sliced my heart in two? Even worse, how could I have condemned Owen to the same wretched misery that made every breath I took without him a separate agony? I was beyond thought, beyond reason.

But reason returned, as it must, and with it all my previous conviction. I would live alone. I would send Owen away if it would save his life. I would live alone for ever if it meant he, my love, my life, would be free from Gloucester’s anger. I would do it. I would step away from Owen out of pure love.

It was the right thing to do.

So why did it hurt so much?

That night I slept alone. I barred my door to him, which I had never done before. And I waited, when my household settled for the night, until I heard his approaching footsteps. I swear I would recognise them in the turbulence of a winter storm. Breath held, I heard them pause outside, and placed my palm against the wood, leaned my forehead against the panels, as if I could sense him there. He did not knock or try the latch. I listened, but could hear no words. Not even his breathing. How long did we stand there? Time had no measure in my distraught mind. Then his footsteps passed on.

Tomorrow we would be separated for ever.

Exhaustion laid its hand on me but I did not sleep. I kept a solitary vigil for the death of our marriage.

‘Where is my lord?’ I asked Guille next morning. I rose late. Very late. I had not heard Owen and his escort leave, but there were the usual sounds of castle life reaching my windows from courtyard and stables. He would have seen the sense of it and gone at dawn, without my presence. I could not bear to watch him ride away. Neither would I wish to burden him with my volatile emotions.

‘I’m not sure, my lady.’ Guille was carefully not noticing my wan cheeks, her fingers busy as she pinned my hair beneath a simple veil. My temples were too sore to support close padding.

‘Has he left the castle?’

She took a breath. ‘I think he might have.’

‘Did you see him?’

She affixed a pin with deliberation. ‘No, my lady.’

I inhaled against the blow. However much I had anticipated his leaving, nothing could have prepared me for the force of it. Owen had gone. He had left me. I knew he must have because, unless away from the castle, his routines always brought him back to me at mid-morning. But not today. It felt as if he had taken my heart with him, leaving a space of pain and loss in my chest. And I would accept it because Owen would live.

Now I must begin the impossible task of living my life without him. I inspected my face in my mirror. I straightened the hang of my sleeves, the fall of my girdle, checked the safety and position of the chain that Guille had clasped around my neck. Little details of my existence that I attended to every day.

I stepped outside my door.

‘What time is this to rise from your bed? Your sons are asking for you.’

The question, soft-voiced, slammed into my mind as if it were a roll on a military drum. Collecting my thoughts was almost beyond me. I stared at him, unable to trust my reactions.

‘Guille told me that you were gone.’

What a facile reply, when he was clearly not. When everything I wanted in life was there before me. Within touching distance. Within kissing distance. Owen should not be here.

‘I ordered her to,’ Owen said.

‘Why?’

‘To catch you off guard. So that I could talk some sense into you before you could resurrect the fortifications against me.’

‘I told you to go, Owen.’ To my horror my voice wavered.

‘And I choose not to.’