The Gray House

Practically all of them, Ralph thought. And you missed them while sitting in the principal’s office. What do you hope to see now from the night guard’s post?

“I had some theories I wanted to check.” Old Man downed almost an entire glass in one gulp. “That old story kept tormenting me. A couple of years ago I finally realized that I had to go back. And so—here I am!”

It sounded so pompous that Ralph winced. He knew he should try to be tolerant, but Old Man was grating on his nerves. His self-righteous complacency, that idiotic clock collection—Ralph’s day hadn’t been going too great even without all this.

“I suppose you enjoy full access to a lot of things now?” he said. “From this room, I mean. In your position as a guard.”

“More than you can imagine,” the former principal said importantly, leaving a significant pause.

Ralph at this point had neither energy nor desire to feign interest. The pause lingered.

“Ask!” Old Man prompted, leaning back on a stack of magazines that gave way under the weight. The magazines cascaded down on the floor. Old Man pretended not to notice.

“What about?” Ralph said glumly.

“Anything! Don’t you have any questions at all?”

The wine was sweet to the point of stickiness and almost impossible to drink. Ralph felt the encounter moving inexorably to Old Man taking offense and Ralph feeling guilty for having offended him. Old Man desperately required an enraptured listener, and Ralph was crushingly bad at it. He rolled the syrupy liquid in his mouth and managed to force it down.

“I am afraid,” he began cautiously, “that the questions I have are not the kind you might have answers to.”

“Try me! What have you got to lose?”

Old Man frowned.

“Oh, all right. I get it. That’s fine, you don’t have to. I’m not going to push you. I just thought that you might be interested in learning some things. You looked like you were stumped.” He filled his glass again and emptied it in two gulps. Fighting the belch coming up, he added, “I’m telling you, Rex’s grandma is something else. She isn’t the goody-two-shoes she’s playing. I figured you’d appreciate my help, now that you’ve locked horns with her.”

Ralph straightened up.

“What?” he said, not quite believing his ears. “Who are you talking about?”

“That granny of Rex’s, who else?” Old Man looked at him quizzically. “Wasn’t it her that you crossed at the meeting today?”

Ralph took a huge swig of the wine.

“Once more from the beginning,” he said. “Are we talking about the same person? Godmother? Is she somehow related to Vulture?”

Old Man nodded.

“Sure. His own dear granny. You mean you didn’t know?”

“Where did you get that?”

“For crying out loud!” Old Man said hotly. “Where! Same place you’d get it, if only you made an effort and utilized your head once in a while. I used to have this habit, you know, of checking out people before hiring them. And she was the only one who looked halfway professional among the riffraff that your new principal dragged in. Of course, that piqued my interest. People like her don’t all of a sudden come to work for people like him. I conducted my usual due diligence. All of her credentials turned out to be fake. Then I just sneaked a peek at her driver’s license, registered under her real last name.”

He gave Ralph an incensed look.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t even suspect it!”

Ralph poured himself more wine. “Except that’s the truth. It has never crossed my mind. I guess I was surprised when she came in, but that was the extent of it. I wouldn’t dream of checking someone’s papers. Who knows what her reasons were for coming here.”

Old Man looked crestfallen, and Ralph rushed to console him.

“Please understand. Here I’ve always been surrounded by decent people. Like you said, professionals. I probably got too used to it. Her arrival came unexpectedly for you, because it wasn’t you who hired her. And I just thought—great, now there’s someone on that side who looks like she knows what she’s doing.”

Old Man shook his head again, but not as ruefully this time. The well-placed flattery was having an effect.

“Well, all right,” he said. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You young people just haven’t the knack for paperwork, ’cause we always tried to shield you from it. Another one of my mistakes, now that I think about it.”

“Don’t blame yourself for everything,” Ralph demanded in a fit of self-loathing. “I’m not that young. You’re entirely correct, I should’ve used my head.”

Old Man patted him on the shoulder, put away the empty bottle, and immediately extracted another one from behind the couch.

Ralph broke out in nervous laughter and said, “I would appreciate it if you’d explain to me one more time what a dunce I am. Tell me what she is trying to accomplish with her suggestions. I can’t imagine why she would all of a sudden need to show everyone who was the boss here with only a few days remaining until graduation.”