The Long Dark Tea-Time Of The Soul

"So what about this new...person? Something else we have to deal with."

"It'll be so easy. So easy. Listen, this is nothing. We either cut him in to it, or we cut him right out. It'll be taken care of before we leave here. We'll buy him something. A new coat. Maybe we'll have to buy him a new house. Know what that'll cost us?" He gave a charming laugh. "It's nothing. You won't ever even need to think about it. You won't ever even need to think about not thinking about it. It's... that... easy. OK?"

"Hm."

"OK. I'll be right back."

He turned and headed back into the ante-chamber of the hall of the All-Fattier, smiling all the way.

"So, Mr... " he made a show of looking at the card again "... Gently. You want to act for these people do you?"

"These immortal gods," said Dirk.

"OK, gods," said Draycott. "'That's fine. Perhaps you'll do a better job than the manic little hustler I had to deal with first time out. You know, he's really quite a little character, our Mr Rag, Mr Rag. You know, that guy was really quite amazing. He did everything he could, tried every oldest trick in the book to freak me out, and give me the run-around. You know how I deal with people like that? Simple. I ignore it. I just...ignone it. If he wants to play around and threaten and screech, and shovel in five hundred and seventeen subclauses that he thinks he's going to catch me out on, that's OK. He's just taking up time, but so what? I've got time. I've got plenty of time for people like Mr Rag. Because you know what the really crazy thing is? You know what's really crazy? The guy cannot draw up an actual contract to save his life. Really. To save...his...life. And I tell you something, that's fine by me. He can thrash around and spit all he likes - when he gets tired I just reel him in. Listen. I draw up contracts in the recond business. These guys are just minnows by comparison. They're primitive savages. You've met them. You've dealt with them. They're primitive savages. Well, aren't they? Like the Red Indians. They don't even know what they've got. You know, these people are lucky they didn't meet some real shark. I mean it. You know what America cost? You know what the whole United States of America actually cost? You don't, and neither do I. And shall I tell you why? The sum is so negligible that someone could tell us what it was and two minutes later we would have forgotten. It would have gone clean out of our minds.

"Now, compared with that, let me tell you, I am providing. I am really providing. A private suite in the Woodshead Hospital? Lavish attention, food, sensational quantities of linen. Sensational. You could practically buy the United States of America at today's prices for what that's all costing. But you know what? I said, if he wants the linen, let him have the linen. Just let him have it. It's fine. The guy's earned it. He can have all the linen...he...wants. Just don't fuck with me is all.

"Now let me tell you, this guy has a nice life. A nice life. And I think that's what we all want, isn't it. A nice life. This guy certainly did. And he didn't know how to have it. None of these guys did. They're just kind of helpless in the modern world. It's kind of tough for them and I'm just trying to help out. Let me tell you how nave they are, and I mean nave.

"My wife, Cynthia, you've met her, and let me tell you, she is the best. I tell you, my relationship with Cynthia is so good- "

"I don't want to hear about your relationship with your wife."

"OK. That's fine. That's absolutely fine. I just think maybe it's worth you getting to know a few things. But whatever you want is fine. OK. Cynthia's in advertising. You know that. She is a senior partner in a major agency. Major. They did some big campaign, really big, a few years back in which some actor is playing a god in this commercial. And he's endorsing something, I don't know, a soft drink, you know, tooth rot for kids.

And Odin at this time is just a down and out. He's living on the streets. He simply can't get anything together, because he's just not for this world. All that power, but he doesn't know how to make it work for him here, today. Now here's the crazy part.

"Odin sees this commercial on the television and he thinks to himself, `Hey, I could do that, I'm a god.' He thinks maybe he could get paid for being in a commercial. And you know what that would be. Pays even less than the United States of America cost, you follow me? Think about it. Odin, the chief and fount of all the power of all of the Norse gods, thinks he might be able to get paid for being in a television commercial to sell soft drinks. "And this guy, this god, literally goes out and tries to find someone who'll let him in a TV commercial. Pathetically nave. But also greedy - let's not forget greedy.