The Mist and the Lightning. Part 19

Nik pulled away from him a little and raised his face:

“Now that I don’t have a scar, you’ll like me even more, right? I am no longer a cracked porcelain figurine. Or did you actually like the scar, just like Arel did?”

Kors grabbed him impulsively and held him close again.

“For me it doesn’t matter anymore, I love you with any scars with unconditional love! But I’m so glad I had cured you!”

He stroked Nik’s hair, burrowing deep into it and feeling the tangled clumps of mats under his fingers, pressing his face against the top of his head, inhaling the smell of tobacco, as if he couldn’t breathe enough. Nik trustingly clung to him, consoling himself like a kitten.

And Kors whispered passionately:

“Be yourself. If you want, be with your black face, squeeze me with your spider paws. I’m not afraid, I won’t be afraid.”

“No, no, I don’t want to. I didn’t do it on purpose before, I didn’t mean to scare you. And this is not my only image, but just one of them.”

Kors pushed slightly away and then peered tenderly into his sweet face, then again, in a fit of feelings, he pressed his head to his chest.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry that I was playing with you. You were right, Nik, I enjoyed taking your freedom, taking your fellowship away. And yes, if it were my will, I would lock you in my basement. I would put a bag over your head, tie you up and lock you up. I’m a monster! I didn’t teach you properly and didn’t treat you! Peace told you the truth, I humiliated you and asserted my power. Will you forgive me for it?”

“What are you talking about? You are a good father! You didn’t come to the estate just for Karina, did you? You said that your son was not indifferent to you, you came for me too. Yes?”

“Yes.”

“You took care of me! I didn’t have a father before, and people could beat me, but now they can’t!”

“But I myself had severely beat you with a belt for an unlearned lesson, and there were marks from my buckle on your body…”

“Well, let that be. I wanted to have the memory of my father’s love on my ass.”

“I’m ashamed!” Kors released him, covering his face with his hands. “I had punished you so unjustly!”

“You punished me because I was uncontrollable and stupid,” Nik said conciliatoryly, pulling at his hand. He clearly wanted Kors to keep holding him close and hugging him.

“No! You are obedient and smart, and grateful,” Kors immediately understood Nik’s ingenuous and persistent hint, and hugged him again. “It’s just that you don’t know how people truly care. You have nothing to compare with. It’s done not the way I did it, trust me. I took terrible care of you!”

“But you are my father. And that’s how you did it. I’m very grateful to you for this.”

“I drew my initials on your face!”

“Just because I’m only yours.”

“I made you wear a mask!”

“I’m used to wearing a mask.”

“Oh, Nik, I just liked to feel powerful.”

“Well, so be it. I myself didn’t want people to stare at me.”

“I… I had punished you so unfairly in Ore Town,” Kors sobbed, “you did the right thing in not wanting to put on those fucking glasses.”

“I remembered my father the past and reproached him for it.”

“And serve me well! How could I do that! I understood that you were my son from Inness. I figured it out during that first interrogation! But instead of getting it right, I immediately started fighting the Demon, what an idiot! I will never forgive myself for this! As soon as I remember how I put you out for fun at this festival, my heart shrinks into a ball. And yet… I also really lied to you when I said that I would introduce you to the world of true blacks. I have lied!”

Nik pulled away and Kors didn’t hold him back, just sat with his head down.

“Thank you for confessing. For honesty now,” Nik said.

“I…I wanted this! But I just didn’t understand how it could be done. You see… Nik… these piearcings on your face, they immediately make it clear to any sir that you are bottom. Understand? That you are a slave, a boy-toy, decorated in such a way as to embody the sexual addictions of the owner. You are a sex toy! But even if you pull it all out and heal the holes… I don’t know what to do with it,” Kors sadly stroked his tattooed cheekbone, and Nik allowed him to do it.

“And your hands,” Kors continued, “I don’t understand how to fix it now either.” — Kors gently took his hand, and, bending down, kissed his ring. “These black… nails… Nik, I wanted to think of something, to tell my friends from the Upper City that you were a prisoner of the unclean ones, and they had disfigured you. But I realized that all this wouldn’t help. They wouldn’t see you as a person equal to themselves. And after this spring holiday, nothing matters anymore. Whatever I tell them about you, they won’t open their heart and their world! And now for me too, Nik. We won’t come to them, neither I nor you.”

Nik smiled thoughtfully.

“I’m so beautiful that you think I charmed them all with my beauty at that ball? Tell me!”

Kors was embarrassedly silent.