The Wit & Wisdom of Tyrion Lannister

—A Dance with Dragons

Schemes are like fruit, they require a certain ripening.

—A Clash of Kings

It all goes back and back, to our mothers and fathers and theirs before them. We are puppets dancing on the strings of those who came before us, and one day our own children will take up our strings and dance in our steads.

—A Storm of Swords

Rebellion makes for queer bedfellows.

—A Dance with Dragons

When winter comes, the realm will starve.

—A Dance with Dragons

The Art of War

Gold has its uses, but wars are won with iron.

—A Dance with Dragons

I sit a chair better than a horse, and I’d sooner hold a wine goblet than a battle-axe. All that about the thunder of the drums, sunlight flashing on armor, magnificent destriers snorting and prancing? Well, the drums gave me headaches, the sunlight flashing on my armor cooked me up like a harvest day goose, and those magnificent destriers shit everywhere.

—A Clash of Kings

How many Dornishmen does it take to start a war? Only one.

—A Storm of Swords

Knights know only one way to solve a problem. They couch their lances and charge. A dwarf has a different way of looking at the world.

—A Dance with Dragons

He’s going to be as useful as nipples on a breastplate.

—A Dance with Dragons

If a man paints a target on his chest, he should expect that sooner or later someone will loose an arrow at him.

—A Game of Thrones

A sword through the bowels.

A sure cure for constipation.

—A Dance with Dragons

Men fight more fiercely for a king who shares their peril than one who hides behind his mother’s skirts.

—A Clash of Kings

That was the way of war. The smallfolk were slaughtered, while highborn were held for ransom. Remind me to thank the gods that I was born a Lannister.

—A Clash of Kings

The Art of Saving Your Skin

Courage and folly are cousins, or so I’ve heard.

—A Clash of Kings

I’m terrified of my enemies, so I kill them all.

—A Clash of Kings

All this mistrust will sour your stomach and keep you awake at night, ’tis true, but better that than the long sleep that does not end.

—A Dance with Dragons

I decline to deliver any message that might get me killed.

—A Game of Thrones

Riding hard and fast by night is a sure way to tumble down a mountain and crack your skull.

—A Game of Thrones

The Art of Lying

Give me sweet lies, and keep your bitter truths.

—A Storm of Swords

How did I lose my nose? I shoved it up your wife’s cunt and she bit it off.

—A Dance with Dragons

Half-truths are worth more than outright lies.

—A Storm of Swords

My father threw me down a well the day I was born, but I was so ugly that the water witch who lived down there spat me back.

—A Dance with Dragons

The best lies are seasoned with a bit of truth.

—A Dance with Dragons

My mother loved me best of all her children because I was so small. She nursed me at her breast till I was seven. That made my brothers jealous, so they stuffed me in a sack and sold me to a mummer’s troupe. When I tried to run off the master mummer cut off half my nose, so I had no choice but to go with them and learn to be amusing.

—A Dance with Dragons

The sow I ride is actually my sister. We have the same nose, could you tell? A wizard cast a spell on her, but if you give her a big wet kiss, she’ll turn into a beautiful woman. The pity is, once you get to know her, you’ll want to kiss her again to turn her back.

—A Dance with Dragons

Every touch a lie. I have paid her so much false coin that she half thinks she’s rich.

—A Dance with Dragons

You’d be astonished at what a boy can make of a few lies, fifty pieces of silver, and a drunken septon.

—A Game of Thrones

On Dragons and Other Myths

I believe in steel swords, gold coins, and men’s wits. And I believe there once were dragons.

—A Clash of Kings

What if we should find that this talk of dragons was just some sailor’s drunken fancy? This wide world is full of such mad tales. Grumkins and snarks, ghosts and ghouls, mermaids, rock goblins, winged horses, winged pigs, winged lions.

—A Dance with Dragons

Next you will be offering me a suit of magic armor and a palace in Valyria.

—A Dance with Dragons

Even a stunted, twisted, ugly little boy can look down over the world when he’s seated on a dragon’s back.

—A Game of Thrones