Under the Lights

“Fun fact about Jade: she doesn’t believe in formal higher education. She thinks I just need to see more aspects of the industry to find what I wanna do and then jump right in. Apparently, Hollywood’s in my future, because it’s in my blood.” She sighs heavily and drops into the chair next to me. “After two days of fighting about it, she finally convinced me I might enjoy an afternoon of watching a cute girl bitchslap Josh Chester.”

In the mirror, my cheeks are reddening, and it’s not the same shade of golden brown Toya’s sweeping onto my skin. I wouldn’t have thought twice about “cute girl” before that “ex-girlfriend” mention she dropped at yoga. Now I can’t help but wonder if she means… something by it.

But no, of course she doesn’t. She knows I’m with Zander, not to mention the far more important fact that I’m straight. I mean, it’s totally cool that she’s bi. But I’m not, and she knows that.

The flush goes down, and Toya grunts in a way that lets me know she didn’t miss it. I swallow, hard, then realize I’ve been silent a little too long. “So, was it everything you dreamed it would be?” I ask her.

“And more,” she says with a grin. Then her face grows serious. “Listen, I’m really sorry to do this, but is it okay if we reschedule our shopping trip? My friend got us tickets to tonight’s Foo Fighters show months ago, and I didn’t realize I’d double-booked.”

I hadn’t realized I was particularly looking forward to going out until just now, but after a day of dealing with Josh, the idea of having nothing to do but sulk on my treadmill tonight is beyond depressing. “Yeah, of course,” I lie. Unfortunately, I say it as Toya’s patting on more lip gloss, and she makes an annoyed noise at me.

“Zander’s probably getting tired of me monopolizing your time, anyway,” she says with a laugh, and I force a smile, too, even though it comes out kinda grimace-like. If Zander minds that we haven’t been spending much time together, he hasn’t said a word. And I certainly haven’t been missing him.

Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve been so desperate to find a new friend to make up for the fact that Ally’s gone, I haven’t been paying any attention to the boyfriend right in front of me. Making plans with Zander is exactly what I should be doing for tonight. And tomorrow night. And maybe the night after that.

So what if we didn’t exactly get together because of “feelings”? Doesn’t mean we can’t start working on it now.

“Zander’s been a trooper,” I say, “but you’re right — he’ll definitely be happy to have a little more ‘us’ time. And actually, one of his bandmates is having a party tonight”—one I’d made a zillion excuses to avoid because they always turn into really cheesy a capella sing-alongs—“and he’ll be happy to hear I can make it now.”

“Perfect! Well, we’ll just do it another time then.” She glances at her watch. “Actually, I should probably head out now. If Jade asks, I was here until four.” She readjusts her messenger bag, then meets my eyes in the mirror. “Will I see you at Bikram on Thursday night?”

I debate saying I might be busy with Zander then, too, just to show her how much I don’t care about her blowing me off, but lying feels a little pathetic. “I never miss it,” I say neutrally instead.

“Well, then, I’ll see you there.”

I watch her wave in the makeup mirror, and then I watch her walk away.

* * *

“Well, somebody’s in a sunshine-y mood,” Josh observes when I return to set to try the scene again.

Trust Josh to observe my crankiness the second I drop the fake smile I’d pasted on for Brianna’s sake. “Somebody wishes she didn’t have Hollywood’s biggest sociopath trying to move in on her show,” I correct him. “And if you think I’m okay with the fact that I have to subject myself to your diseased mouth for this next scene, you’re out of your freaking mind. I hope you at least had the courtesy to gargle mouthwash during this break.”

“Funny, I didn’t see you gargling anything but your drool over me,” Josh says casually, “so let’s call it even.”

Have I mentioned I loathe Josh Chester?

“All right, everyone, places!” I force myself to re-inhabit Bailey’s body and let her inhabit mine as we get into places for the next scene, an infuriating one in which Josh’s natural smugness will be quite the asset. In fact, he’s pretty spot on with his character, Luke — an egomaniacal jackass who gets everything he wants. The difference is, Luke and Bailey are totally into each other.

Josh and I would rather die.

I practiced these lines a thousand times on my treadmill at home last night, and they come back to me with ease now. “You need to stop chasing me, Luke. Accept that I’m not yours and I’m never gonna be yours.”

“Accept that?” Josh-as-Luke spits, his amber eyes flashing. “Why should I accept that when deep down, you haven’t?”

For some reason, Brianna pops in my head just then. I quickly replace the image with Zander, and realize that’s no better. I just need to clear my mind and stop letting Josh get to me.