Unseen Academicals

‘I really could not say,’ said Lord Vetinari, ‘but since just about every genuine battle between wizards has hitherto resulted in wholesale destruction, I feel that you would at least look a little embarrassed. And, of course, I will remind you that you were quite happy that Archchancellor Bill Rincewind at Bugarup University cheerfully calls himself Archchancellor.’

‘Yes, but he’s a long way away,’ said Ridcully. ‘And Fourecks doesn’t really count as anywhere, whereas in Pseudopolis we are talking about a Johnny-come-lately of an organization and its—’

‘So are we then merely arguing over the question of distance?’ said Vetinari.

‘No, but—’ said Ridcully and stopped.

‘Is this worth the argument, I ask you?’ said Vetinari. ‘What we have here, gentlemen, is but a spat between the heads of a venerable and respected institution and an ambitious, relatively inexperienced, and importunate new school of learning.’

‘Yes, that’s what we’ve got all right,’ said Ridcully.

Vetinari raised a finger. ‘I hadn’t finished, Archchancellor. Let me see now. I said that what we have here is a spat between an antique and somewhat fossilized, elderly and rather hidebound institution and a college of vibrant newcomers full of fresh and exciting ideas.’

‘Here, hang on, you didn’t say that the first time,’ said Ridcully.

Vetinari leaned back. ‘Indeed I did, Archchancellor. Do you not remember our talk about the meaning of words a little while ago? Context is everything. I suggest, therefore, that you allow the head of Brazeneck University the opportunity to wear the official Archchancellor’s Hat for a short time.’

You had to pay close attention to what Lord Vetinari said. Sometimes the words, while clearly docile, had a tendency to come back and bite.

‘Play the football for the Hat,’ said Vetinari.

He looked at their faces. ‘Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Do take a moment to consider this. The importance of the Hat is enhanced. The means by which the wizards strive are not primarily magical. The actual striving and indeed the rivalry will, I think, be good for both universities and people will be interested, whereas in the past when wizards have argued they have had to hide in the cellars. Please do not answer me too quickly, otherwise I will think you have not thought about this enough.’

‘As a matter of fact, I can think very fast indeed,’ said Ridcully. ‘It will simply be no contest. It will be totally unfair.’

‘It certainly will,’ said Henry.

‘Ah, you both feel that it will be totally unfair,’ said Vetinari.

‘Indeed. We have a much younger faculty and the brisk and healthy playing fields of Pseudopolis.’

‘Capital,’ said Lord Vetinari. ‘It seems to me that we have a challenge. University against university. City, as it were, against city. Warfare, as it were, without the tedious necessity of picking up all those heads and limbs afterwards. All things must strive, gentlemen.’

‘I suppose I have to agree,’ said Ridcully. ‘It’s not as if I’m going to lose the Hat in any case. I must note, though, Havelock, that you do not allow many challenges to your position.’

‘Oh, but I am challenged very frequently,’ said Lord Vetinari. ‘It’s just that they don’t win. Incidentally, gentlemen, I did notice in today’s paper that the new voters of Pseudopolis yesterday voted not to have to pay taxes. When you see the president again, please don’t hesitate to tell him that I will be more than happy to advise him when he feels it is necessary. Cheer up, gentlemen. Neither of you has got exactly what you want, but both of you have got exactly what you deserve. If the leopard can change his shorts, a wizard can change his hat. And the leopard must change his shorts, gentlemen, or we are all doomed.’

‘Are you referring to the Loko business?’ said Henry. ‘You needn’t look surprised.’

‘I don’t intend to. I am surprised,’ said Vetinari, ‘but please credit me with not looking surprised unless, of course, there is some advantage in doing so.’

‘We are going to have to do something. The expedition found a nest of the damn things!’

‘Yes. Children, which they killed,’ said Vetinari.

‘Pups that they exterminated!’

‘Indeed? And what do you suggest?’

‘We are talking about a very evil force here!’

‘Archchancellor, I see evil when I look in my shaving mirror. It is, philosophically, present everywhere in the universe in order, apparently, to highlight the existence of good. I think there is more to this theory, but I tend to burst out laughing at this point. I take it that you are behind the idea of an expeditionary force to Far Uberwald?’

‘Of course!’ said the former Dean.

‘It has been tried once before. It was tried twice before that. Why is there a certain cast of the military mind which leads sensible people to do again, with gusto, what didn’t work before?’

‘Force is all they understand. You must know that.’