A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Roast Beef, Medium, is not only a food. It is a philosophy.

Edna Ferber 1887–1968 American writer

It takes some skill to spoil a breakfast—even the English can’t do it.

J. K. Galbraith 1908–2006 Canadian-born American economist

HOMER SIMPSON: Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

Matt Groening 1954– American humorist and satirist

ANTHONY HOPKINS: I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Thomas Harris 1940– and Ted Tally 1952– screenwriters, in the film The Silence of the Lambs

explaining toad-in-the-hole to an American audience:

It has nothing to do with frogs’ legs. No amphibian is harmed in the making of this dish.

Nigella Lawson 1960– British journalist and cookery writer

Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

Fran Lebowitz 1950– American writer

her anti-aging secrets:

A love of life, spaghetti and the odd bath in virgin olive oil. Everything I have I owe to spaghetti.

Sophia Loren 1934– Italian actress

The piece of cod passeth all understanding.

Edwin Lutyens 1869–1944 English architect

You are offered a piece of bread and butter that feels like a damp handkerchief and sometimes, when cucumber is added to it, like a wet one.

Compton Mackenzie 1883–1972 English novelist

For those who want to eat efficiently, God made the banana, complete with its own colour-co-ordinated carrying case.

Judith Martin 1938– American journalist

to a friend who had said that he hated English food:

All you have to do is eat breakfast three times a day.

W. Somerset Maugham 1874–1965 English novelist

on having matzo balls for the third time at Arthur Miller’s parents:

Isn’t there any other part of the matzo you can eat?

Marilyn Monroe 1926–62 American actress

No man is lonely eating spaghetti; it requires so much attention.

Christopher Morley 1890–1957 American writer

Parsley

Is gharsley.

Ogden Nash 1902–71 American humorist

Botticelli isn’t a wine, you Juggins! Botticelli’s a cheese!

Punch 1841–1992 English humorous weekly periodical

BISHOP: I’m afraid you’ve got a bad egg, Mr Jones.

CURATE: Oh no, my Lord, I assure you! Parts of it are excellent!

Punch 1841–1992 English humorous weekly periodical

Does your chewing-gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?

Billy Rose 1899–1966 and Marty Bloom American songwriters

Madam, I have been looking for a person who disliked gravy all my life; let us swear eternal friendship.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English clergyman and essayist

My idea of heaven is, eating pâté de foie gras to the sound of trumpets.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English clergyman and essayist, reporting the view of his friend Henry Luttrell

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

Beulah, peel me a grape.

Mae West 1892–1980 American film actress

MOTHER: It’s broccoli, dear.

CHILD: I say it’s spinach, and I say the hell with it.

E. B. White 1899–1985 American humorist

When I ask for a watercress sandwich, I do not mean a loaf with a field in the middle of it.

Oscar Wilde 1854–1900 Irish dramatist and poet

One doughnut doesn’t do a thing. You’ve got to eat 20 a day for five weeks before you get results.

Renee Zellweger 1969– American actress, on plumping up to play Bridget Jones

Foolishness

see also

IGNORANCE

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

Alan Coren 1938–2007 English humorist

Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein 1879–1955 German-born theoretical physicist

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day. Wisdom consists in not exceeding that limit.

Elbert Hubbard 1859–1915 American writer

GROUCHO MARX: Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

Bert Kalmar 1884–1947 and others screenwriters, in the film Duck Soup

I could name eight people—half of those eight are barmy. How many apples short of a picnic?

John Major 1943– British Conservative statesman, on his Tory critics

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

H. L. Mencken 1880–1956 American journalist and literary critic