A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Edward VII 1841–1910 British king

I can answer you in two words, im-possible.

Sam Goldwyn 1882–1974 American film producer

cannibal Hannibal Lecter:

ANTHONY HOPKINS: I do wish we could chat longer, but I’m having an old friend for dinner.

Thomas Harris 1940– and Ted Tally 1952– screenwriters, in the film The Silence of the Lambs

Dentist fills wrong cavity.

Ben Hecht 1894–1964 American screenwriter, report of a dentist convicted of interfering with a patient

Lisp: to call a spade a thpade.

Oliver Herford 1863–1935 American humorist

I am trisexual. The Army, the Navy, and the Household Cavalry.

Brian Desmond Hurst 1895–1986 Irish film director

‘Succès d’estime’ translates as ‘a success that ran out of steam’.

George S. Kaufman 1889–1961 American dramatist

MARGARET IRVING: That’s bigamy.

GROUCHO MARX: Yes, and it’s big of me, too.

George S. Kaufman 1889–1961 and Morrie Ryskind 1895–1985 screenwriters, in the film Animal Crackers

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

Oscar Levant 1906–72 American pianist

DANNY KAYE: The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle. The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.

Norman Panama 1914–2003 and Melvin Frank 1913–88 American screenwriters, in the film The Court Jester

to the British actor Herbert Marshall who annoyed her by repeated references to his busy ‘shedule’:

I think you’re full of skit.

Dorothy Parker

1893–1967 American critic and humorist

You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come:

Knock as you please, there’s nobody at home.

Alexander Pope 1688–1744 English poet

Comparisons are odorous.

William Shakespeare 1564–1616 English dramatist

MRS MALAPROP: He is the very pineapple of politeness!

Richard Brinsley Sheridan 1751–1816 Irish dramatist and Whig politician

MRS MALAPROP: No caparisons, Miss, if you please!—Caparisons don’t become a young woman.

Richard Brinsley Sheridan 1751–1816 Irish dramatist and Whig politician

MRS MALAPROP: She’s as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile.

Richard Brinsley Sheridan 1751–1816 Irish dramatist and Whig politician

LADY SNEERWELL: There’s no possibility of being witty without a little ill-nature; the malice of a good thing is the barb that makes it stick.

Richard Brinsley Sheridan 1751–1816 Irish dramatist and Whig politician

on seeing Mrs Grote in a huge rose-coloured turban:

Now I know the meaning of the word ‘grotesque’.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English clergyman and essayist

a toast:

To our queer old dean.

William Archibald Spooner 1844–1930 English academic

to an undergraduate:

You have tasted your worm, you have hissed my mystery lectures, and you must leave by the first town drain.

William Archibald Spooner 1844–1930 English academic

To those waiting with bated breath for that favourite media catchphrase, the U-turn, I have only this to say. ‘You turn if you want to; the lady’s not for turning.’

Margaret Thatcher 1925–2013 British Conservative stateswoman

When you see the sign ‘African Primates Meeting’ you expect someone to produce bananas.

Desmond Tutu 1931– South African Anglican clergyman

I’m on the horns of a Dalai Lama.

Dick Vosburgh 1929–2007 American writer

OSCAR WILDE: How I wish I had said that.

WHISTLER: You will, Oscar, you will.

James McNeill Whistler

1834–1903 American-born painter

I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.

Victoria Wood 1953–2016 British writer and comedienne

Wives

see alsoMARRIAGE

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

Jim Backus 1913–89 American actor

Here lies my wife; here let her lie!

Now she’s at peace and so am I.

John Dryden 1631–1700 English poet, critic, and dramatist

The comfortable estate of widowhood, is the only hope that keeps up a wife’s spirits.

John Gay 1685–1732 English poet and dramatist

When you marry your mistress you create a job vacancy.

James Goldsmith 1933–97 British financier and politician

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other, to let her have it.

Lyndon Baines Johnson 1908–73 American Democratic statesman

There’s nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate his wife.