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Funny Children's Stories. Bilingual Edition

Slava Brodsky , Вячеслав Зиновьевич Бродский

But Pud was not the only one. Usually, we expected that Pud would be scolded, and everything would end at that. But this time nothing special had happened to Pud. And because nothing special had happened to Pud, everyone became nervous. Everyone tried to guess what our teacher would talk about. And I too became a little bit nervous.

And so the time came for our homeroom session. Our homeroom teacher — our Russian teacher — entered the classroom, greeted us, stood near the first row of desks, crossed his arms, moved his glasses to his nose, looked at us over the rim of his glasses, raised his pencil, and said, “Some students behave like pigs. For example, Pudovkin.”

Pud immediately replied, “Why Pudovkin? I didn't do anything.”

Of course, our homeroom teacher said, “It’s not good that you didn't do anything.”

But Pud paid no attention to that and again began to mumble that he did not do anything.

Then our homeroom teacher said, “Shhhhhhh! Don't talk so much! You’ll have my comments on your report card.”

And all of us immediately started to plead, “Please, don’t. Please, please…” Because we knew that Pud’s mom is very strict. She gives him a heavy beating for each bad comment in his report card, so that Pud comes to school covered in bruises.

And here our homeroom teacher took out a notebook and started to tell us about what we had already covered and what additional topics we would learn in his class this year.

About half an hour later, the door to our classroom was unexpectedly opened and our principal entered the room. Everyone immediately stood up. The principal said, “Hello.” Usually, our teachers say, “Hello class, you may sit down.” But the principal only said, “Hello.” Still some of us sat down. But I continued to stand, and several others continued to stand too.

Then the principal looked directly at me and asked, “What’s so funny?” And I realized that I was smiling. As soon as the principal asked “What’s so funny?” I immediately stopped smiling. But it was already too late, of course.

And here someone asked, “May we sit down?”

And our homeroom teacher said, “Sit down, sit down.”

And then everyone sat down. Here the principal said that he knew that in our class, students were not students but simply pygmies[2]. And that some of us (and he looked at me again) had even lost their human appearance because everything was always funny to them.

“Some of you,” he added still looking in my direction, “always stick their big noses into everything[3]. Such individuals should behave more modestly. Those who do not understand this can be thrown out of school in a minute.”

The principal began to explain to us how we should behave in school. “What were you talking about?” the principal asked our homeroom teacher.

“We’re just talking about what you said,” replied the homeroom teacher. “I was just telling them that they behave like pigs.”

“Pygmies,” the principal said and started towards the doors. We all rose. “Goodbye,” said the principal and went out of the classroom.

The principal left, but we still remained standing.

“May we sit down?” someone asked again.

“Sit down, sit down,” the homeroom teacher said. Then he paused for a moment and said, “I told you that you behaved like…” And he hesitated for a moment.

And I quickly added, “… like pigs?”

Here everyone laughed. Because what I said turned out to be very funny. Even though I did not expect that at all. And our homeroom teacher looked at me very unkindly and said, “You’ll have my comments on your report card.” Then he added, “Homeroom is over. Go home.”

I went home and thought about why I was always smiling and how many problems it caused me. It seems that I am not always aware that I am smiling. Even when I think I am just looking at someone, I am actually, for some reason, smiling.

Maybe my mouth and cheeks are shaped that way? Maybe they are somehow sculpted in the form of a smile?

And then I recalled what our math teacher told us about Bulgaria. I mean I recalled that when Bulgarians say “no,” they nod. And when they say “yes,” they shake their heads from side to side.

And here is what I thought. If such a thing is possible in Bulgaria, then there might exist other countries where something else is backwards. What if there is such a country where it is good when you smile and not good when you do not. And if such country exists then I would like to know about it. I just simply need to know. Then it would be much easier for me to live my life.