Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

One problem is that people with the fixed mindset expect everything good to happen automatically. It’s not that the partners will work to help each other solve their problems or gain skills. It’s that this will magically occur through their love, sort of the way it happened to Sleeping Beauty, whose coma was cured by her prince’s kiss, or to Cinderella, whose miserable life was suddenly transformed by her prince.

Charlene’s friends told her about Max, the new musician in town. He had come to play cello with the symphony orchestra. The next night, Charlene and her friends went to see the orchestra’s performance, and when they went backstage afterward, Max took Charlene’s hand and said, “Next time, let’s make it longer.” She was taken with his intense, romantic air, and he was taken with her charming manner and exotic looks. As they went out, the intensity grew. They seemed to understand each other deeply. They enjoyed the same things—food, analyzing people, travel. They both thought, Where have you been all my life?

Over time, though, Max became moody. Actually, that’s how he was. It just didn’t show at first. When he was in a bad mood, he wanted to be left alone. Charlene wanted to talk about what was bothering him, but that irritated him. “Just leave me alone,” he would insist, more and more forcefully. Charlene, however, would feel shut out.

Plus, his moods didn’t always happen at convenient times. Sometimes the couple was scheduled to go out. Sometimes they had planned a special dinner alone. Either he didn’t want to do it, or she would endure his sullen silence throughout the evening. If she tried to make light conversation, he would be disappointed in her: “I thought you understood me.”

Friends, seeing how much they cared about each other, urged them to work on this problem. But they both felt, with great sorrow, that if the relationship were the right one, they wouldn’t have to work so hard. If it were the right relationship, they would just be able to understand and honor each other’s needs. So they grew apart and eventually broke up.

In the growth mindset, there may still be that exciting initial combustion, but people in this mindset don’t expect magic. They believe that a good, lasting relationship comes from effort and from working through inevitable differences.

But those with the fixed mindset don’t buy that. Remember the fixed-mindset idea that if you have ability, you shouldn’t have to work hard? This is the same belief applied to relationships: If you’re compatible, everything should just come naturally.

Every single relationship expert disagrees with this.

Aaron Beck, noted marriage authority, says that one of the most destructive beliefs for a relationship is “If we need to work at it, there’s something seriously wrong with our relationship.”

Says John Gottman, a foremost relationship researcher: “Every marriage demands an effort to keep it on the right track; there is a constant tension … between the forces that hold you together and those that can tear you apart.”

As with personal achievement, this belief—that success should not need effort—robs people of the very thing they to make their relationship thrive. It’s probably why so many relationships go stale—because people believe that being in love means never having to do anything taxing.

MIND READING

Part of the low-effort belief is the idea that couples should be able to read each other’s minds: We are like one. My partner should know what I think, feel, and need and I should know what my partner thinks, feels, and needs. But this is impossible. Mind reading instead of communicating inevitably backfires.

Elayne Savage, noted family psychologist, describes Tom and Lucy. After three months together, Tom informed Lucy that there was an imbalance in their relationship. Lucy, reading his mind, decided Tom meant that he was less into the relationship than she was. She felt discouraged. Should she break off the relationship before he did? However, after a therapy session, Lucy got up the courage to find out what he meant. Tom, it turned out, had been using a musical term to convey his wish to fine-tune the relationship and move it to the next level.

I almost fell into the same trap. My husband and I had met a few months before, and everything seemed to be going great. Then one evening, as we were sitting together, he said to me, “I need more space.” Everything went blank. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was I completely mistaken about the relationship? Finally, I summoned my courage. “What do you mean?” I asked. He said, “I need you to move over so I can have more room.” I’m glad I asked.

AGREEING ON EVERYTHING