Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

Everybody thought Yvonne was having a flirtation. She was getting mysterious phone calls. She was often late picking up the kids. Her “nights out with the girls” doubled. Her mind was often elsewhere. Her husband, Char, said she was just going through a phase. “All women go through times like this,” he insisted. “It doesn’t mean she’s got a guy.”

Charlie’s best friend urged him to look into it. But Charlie felt that if he confronted the reality—and it was negative—his world would come crashing down. In the fixed mindset, he’d have to confront the idea that either (1) the woman he loved was a bad person, (2) he was a bad person and drove her away, or (3) their relationship was bad and irreparable.

He couldn’t handle any of those. It didn’t occur to him that there were problems that could be solved, that she was sending him a message she desperately wanted him to hear: Don’t take me for granted. I need more attention.

A growth mindset doesn’t mean he would necessarily confront her, but he would confront it

—the situation. He’d think about what was wrong. Maybe explore the issue with a counselor. Make an informed decision about what to do next. If there were problems to be solved, at least there’d be a chance.

EACH ONE A LOSER

Penelope’s friends sat at home complaining that there were no good men. Penelope went out and found them. Each time, she would find a great guy and fall head over heels. “He’s the one,” she’d tell her friends as she began reading the bridal magazines and practically writing the announcement for the local paper. They’d believe her because he was always a guy with a lot going for him.

But then something would happen. It was over for one of them when he got her a tacky birthday present. Another put ketchup on his food and sometimes wore white shoes. Another had bad electronic habits: His cell phone etiquette was poor and he watched too much TV. And this is only a partial list.

Assuming traits were fixed, Penelope would decide that she couldn’t live with these flaws. But most of these were not deep or serious character problems that couldn’t be addressed with a little communication.

My husband and I had been together almost a year and, as my birthday approached, I sent a clear message: “I’m not mercenary, but I like a good present.” He said, “Isn’t it the thought that counts?” I replied, “That’s what people say when they don’t want to put thought into it.

“Once a year,” I continued, “we each have our day. I love you and I plan to put time and effort into choosing a present for you. I would like you to do that for me, too.” He’s never let me down.

Penelope assumed that somewhere out there was someone who was already perfect. Relationship expert Daniel Wile says that choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems. There are no problem-free candidates. The trick is to acknowledge each other’s limitations, and build from there.

THE FLAWS FLY

Brenda and Jack were clients of Daniel Wile, and he tells this tale. Brenda came home from work and told Jack a long, detailed story with no apparent point. Jack was bored to tears but tried to hide it to be polite. Brenda, however, could sense his true feelings, so, hoping to be more amusing, she launched into another endless story, also about a project at work. Jack was ready to burst. They were both mentally hurling traits right and left. According to Wile, they were both thinking: Brenda is boring, Jack is selfish, and our relationship is no good.

In fact, both meant well. Brenda was afraid to say outright that she did some great work at the office that day. She didn’t want to be boastful. So instead she talked about the tiny details of her project. Jack didn’t want to be impolite, so instead of asking Brenda questions or expressing his puzzlement, he steeled himself and waited for her story to end.

Jack just needed to say, “You know, honey, when you get into so many details, I lose your point and get frustrated. Why don’t you tell me why you’re excited about this project? I’d really love to hear that.”

It was a problem of communication, not a problem of personality or character. Yet in the fixed mindset, the blame came fast and furious.

By the way, I love these stories. When I was a kid, Reader’s Digest used to have a feature in each issue called “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” Usually, the answer was yes. I ate up those stories, fascinated by all the ways a marriage could go wrong and even more fascinated by how it could be repaired.

The story of Ted and Karen, told by Aaron Beck, is a story of how two people with the fixed mindset went from all good traits to all bad ones in each other’s eyes.