My Secret Life

I had partly conquered, and saw my victory. “I like seeing you so”, said I, “but won't see you, or any other woman who won't let me see her charms, and who is always in such a hurry, — it would be all very well if I saw you for the first time—(why you have a new black silk dress on.” “Yes, I bought it with your money”, said she), — but for a regular friend as I am, it is unsupportable.” I conquered more, and subsequently, told her that I might be in Regent Street one day, but I did not go there (I had made no promise). She said she went out against her will to see me, — could I write to say when she was to meet me? No, —but I could write to the baudy house, and they would send on the letter. I called there one morning, and left a letter. The Mistress was a shortish sandy-haired woman about thirty years old, with a white face; she looked very fixedly at me, and smiled. She would send on the letter to Miss Sarah Mavis which I found was the name she went by; but Sarah never came to my letter, and I paid for the room for nothing. Then I sent for the Mistress; had a bottle of champagne with her, and she opened her heart a little, she was soon a little screwed, and this was what she told me. Her name was Hannah.

She had not known Miss Mavis long, — only a month or so before she had come in with me, — did not often see her now excepting with me. Mavis had been asking if I had been seen in the house with any other woman, “and of course I did not tell her”, said Sandyhead. She thought her a nice woman, and had struck up acquaintance with her. Now she often came into the parlour to chat with her when I had left, or before she came upstairs to me, when I was at the house before my appointed time.

Things went on thus for a little time longer, Sarah doing much as she liked, but certainly becoming more complaisant. She stopped longer, we began to talk; I was of course curious about her, she about me, I dare say she got much out of me, I but little out of her. What I mainly learned was that she only came on the streets occasionally, and from about eleven to one o'clock in the day. — never afterwards; and when she had sufficient money to “go on with”, as she said, she came not out at all. “I hate it”, said she, “hate you men, — you are all beasts, — you're never satisfied unless you are pulling a woman about in all manner of ways.” “It pleases us”, said I, “we admire you so.” “Well it does not please me, — I want them to do what they have to do, and let me go.” “Why don't you go out in the afternoon or evening?” “No, I get my money in the morning, and have other things to do the rest of the day.”

She had not been gay long, — not more than a month before I had met her, — was taken to the house in J.. .s Street by the first man who met her in the streets, and had been there often since. No she never had been gay before, she would swear, and often wished she were dead rather than have to come out, and let men pull her about, and put their nasty muck into her, — “nasty muck” was always the pleasant way in which she spoke of a man's sperm.

“One would think you never cared about a poke, — I wonder how often you spend.” “Oh! it's all the same to me whether I have it, or whether I don't, — if I do it once a fortnight it's as much as I care about, — you beasts of men seem to think of nothing else, and you leave us poor women all the trouble that comes from putting your muck into us.” “What the devil do you care about?” said I after a chat with her one day, in which she had just said what I have narrated. “Oh! I don't care about anything much.”

Another day she said, “I like a nice dinner, and then a read in an arm-chair, till I go to sleep, or a nice bit of supper, and to get into bed, — I'm so tired of a night, I like to get to bed early if I can.” We went on talking about eating and drinking; she told me what she liked, and what she disliked with much gusto and earnestness. “I'll give you a good dinner”, said I, “and we will come here afterwards.” “Will you ?” “Yes, — but I won't unless I have you three hours here.” “Impossible, — I dare not be out after half-past ten.” “Come early.” “I can't come very early, for I must be home in the afternoon.” There were all sorts of obstacles, — so many that I gave it up, not going to be humbugged. But she would not give it up, and it was arranged that if she might name the evening, she would be with me at six o'clock, and stay with me till ten, — an immense concession, — it was the dinner that did it. I saw she was fond of her stomach, and that made me offer the dinner as a bait.