My Secret Life

She brought her children in the morning to me at J... s Street, and I had her that afternoon. Now she was free enough, pointed herself to the marks of childbirth (very slight they were), and voluptuously held her cunt-lips open, — she had never done so before. From that day and afterwards she allowed me to see her in every way or manner, if not to let me do what I wished. The mystery was over, I knew most if not all, — certainly all about her person.

Chapter XIV

Poses plastiques. • Sarah departs. • My despair. • Hannah's comfort. • Foolscap and masturbation. • Cheap cunt. • A Mulatto. • The baudy house accounts. • Concerning Sarah. • The parlour. • The gay ladies there. • My virtue. • Louisa Fisher. • A show of legs. • The consequence on me. • Effect on Mrs. X..i.

I dined with Sarah repeatedly until her departure, she was now often in low spirits, and drank very freely of champagne; then would fuck with a passion and energy which did not seem natural to her, for by look and general manner one would have sworn she was even tempered, and without much passion, — had I not found that out by experience? One night soon after she had brought her children to me, she seemed wild with lust. What was the matter with me I don't know, but I had no desire for her, and could scarcely stiffen for the embrace; yet she was in ecstacies with me as I fucked her. “Do it again”, said she. “I can't.” “You must do it, — I've not washed.” “I can't.” “Yes, — yes. —I'm mad for you”, said she, — and we kept on fucking till early the next morning. “I am in the family way again I think”, said she as she left, and if so will jump over Westminster Bridge.” But she was not, and after that night she persuaded me not to spend in her, but to withdraw just as my emission took place. “It will spoil all my plans if I am in the family way”, said she, “all I have done will be of no use if I can- not act.” “Act?” “Yes, I am an actress.” “Does not your husband spend in you?” “No one has spent in me but you, since my miscarriage, — I won't let him, and he doesn't want me in the family way.”

“You an actress !” “Yes, — have you never seen me?” “No.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Did you ever see the Poses plastiques and Madame W. . .t. n?” “Yes, two or three years ago.” “Well I was one of her troupe.” “God God !—and what do you do now?” “Nothing, — but we have a troupe going on the Continent, — I am the principal—I am Madame W. .. t. n now.”

Then she told me she had in her youth been a model for artists, had sat to Etty and Frost, hers was the form which had been painted in many of their pictures, —and then she would say no more.

I grew sadder and sadder as the time came for her departure; so did she. She said I worried and unsettled her; she wondered sometimes if she were doing the best thing for herself and children or not. She was so frightened lest she should get in the family way, that as already said she made me withdraw before the critical moment, spending my sperm on her thighs or on the crisp hair of her motte. I got an idea into my head (a stupid one enough), that if she were to get in the family way by me she would stay in London; and one night after we had dined, and she had had pleasure in my groping, and as usual had said, “Now don't do it in me”, I plunged my prick up, and spent a full stream in her cunt. “I hope to God that sperm's all up your womb”, said I. Her own pleasure had so overcome her, that she could not move for a minute; then jumping up she washed herself with a sponge,- she recently had used one. I never had a spend in her again for months afterwards.

Then for hours I used to look her over and over from head to foot, as if I wished to recollect every part of her person for ever afterwards: the roots of her hair, the ears, the way the hair grew on the nape of her neck; the way it grew on her cunt, and in her arm-pits, and every other part I used to look over as if searching for something; the only part of her which escaped my investigations was the bum-furrow, which was to me an uncomfortable part in all women, and in my wildest sexual ecstacies and aberrations I neither felt it nor saw it, and don't know whether the hole was round or square; red or brown.

After she had told me she had sat as a model, she brought me a small oil-painting of herself made by an artist of some rank. She was proud of it, and so was her husband. I offered such a price for it, that placed as she was she could not resist, and I bought it. She gave me one day a photograph of herself; both had the characteristic opening of the lips well shown. It is only recently that I have destroyed these mementos of a dead affection.