My Secret Life

“It's a lie, — it's a lie.” “It's true, — and the hair is short, and darker than the hair of your head, — and your thighs are so white, — and your garters are made of blue cloth, — and I felt it, the dear little split, — how I wish my belly had been up against it—what a lovely smell it has!” (putting my fingers to my nose).

“Oho I—oho !-oho !” said she bursting into tears, “what a shame to take liberties with a poor girl when she can't help herself, — oho !—oho !—you must be a bad man, — Missus had no business to send you to look after me, as if she could not trust me, — she don't know what sort of man you are, — and a gentleman too, — oho !—and married too, — it's a shame, — oho ! —oho ! I don't believe you though, — oho—o—o.” And when I told her again the colour and the make of her garters, she nearly howled. “You mean man to do such a thing when I was ill.”

I kissed her, she let me, but went on blubbering. “I've a good mind to tell my young man.” “That will be foolish, because you and I mean to have more pleasure than we have had, — and he'll never be any the wiser but if you tell him, he'll think it's your fault.”

This had occupied some hours, it was getting dark, but it seemed only as if I had been there some minutes, so deliciously exciting are lascivious acts and words. The charm of talking baudily to a woman for the first time, is such, that hours fly away just like minutes.

I got her on to my lap and kissed her. She was so feeble that I put my hands up her clothes nearly to her knees before she repulsed them. Then I feared her sister coming home; she promised to hide the brandy, and we parted. She kissed me, and let me feel to her knees to induce me to go. “Oh ! for God's sake sir, do go before my sister comes.” My last words were. “Mind you've felt my cock, and I've felt your cunt.” “Pray go” — and I departed, leaving her tearful, excited, and in a state of exhaustion which seemed to me unaccountable.

Probably had I persisted a little longer I should have had her, such was the lassitude into which she had fallen; but I felt that I had made progress, and went home rejoicing, and forming plans for the future. When I had had some food, and thought over the matter, I came to the conclusion that I had been a fool in leaving her, and that had l pushed matters more determinately at the last moment, I should have certainly fucked her before I had left. I was mad with myself when I reflected on that, and the opportunity lost, which might not occur again.

Jenny had not fainted quite, but though unable to speak, resist, or indeed move, she must have been partially conscious. I think this from what I know of her nature afterwards.

Chapter XVII

When are women most lewd. • Garters, money, and promises. • About my servant. • The neckerchief. • Armpits felt • Warm hints. • Lewd suggestions. • Baudy language. • Tickling. • “Fanny Hill”. • Garters tried. • Red fingers. • Struggle, and escape. • Locked out. • I leave. • Baudy predictions, and verifications.

I have a confused recollection of thinking myself the next day an ass, for having missed a good opportunity of spermatizing a fresh cunt; yet for some reason or another it must have been three days before I went to try my luck again.

I had about this time of my life began to frame intentions, and calculate my actions towards women; although still mostly ruled by impulse and opportunity in love matters. My philosophy was owing to experience, and also in a degree to my friend the Major, to whom some years before I had confided my having commissioned a French woman to get me a virgin. He was older, poorer, and more dissolute than ever, “He is the baudiest old rascal that ever I heard tell a story”, was the remark of a man at our Club one night. Ask him to dinner in a quiet way by himself, give him unlimited wine, and he would in an hour or two begin his confidential advice in the amatory line, and in a wonderful manner tell of his own adventures, and give reasons why he did this or that, why he succeeded with this woman, or missed that girl, in a way as amusing, and instructive to a young listener, as could be imagined.