My Secret Life

“If you want to get over a girl”, he would say, “never flurry her till her belly's full of meat and wine; let the grub work. As long as she is worth fucking, it's sure to make a woman randy at some time. If she is not twenty-five she'll be randy directly her belly is filled, — then go at her. If she's thirty, give her halfan-hour. If she's thirty-five let her digest an hour, she won't feel the warmth of the dinner in her cunt till then. Then she'll want to piss, and directly after that she'll be ready for you without her knowing it. But don't flurry your young un, — talk a little quiet smut whilst feeding, just to make her laugh and think of baudy things; then when she has left table, get at her. But it's well,” the old Major would say, “to leave a woman alone in a room for a few minutes after she has dined, perhaps then she will let slip a fart or two, perhaps she'll piss, — she'll be all the better for the wind and water being out. A woman's cunt doesn't get piss-proud like a man's prick you know, they're differently made from us my boy, — but show any one of them your prick as soon as you can, it's a great persuader. Once they have seen it they can't forget it, it will keep in their minds. And a baudy book, they won't ever look at till you've fucked them !—oh ! won't they ! —they would at church if you left them alone with it.” And so the Major instructed us.

About three days afterwards, taking a pair of garters, two small showy neckerchiefs, and Fanny Hill with me, I knocked at the door. “Oh! you!” said she colouring up. “Yes, — is everything right?” “Yes! all right, what should be the matter sir?” She stood at the street-door holding it open, though I had entered the hall. I turned, closed the door, and caught hold of her.

“Now none of that pray sir, you insulted me enough last time.” “I could not help it, you're so lovely, it's your fault, — forgive me, and I won't do so any more, —here is a sovereign, take it, kiss me, and make it up.” “I don't want your money”, said she sulkily. “Take it, I give it with real pleasure, — what I had the other day was worth double.”

“I won't be paid for your rudeness, if that's what you mean.” “Lord my dear I've no occasion to pay for that, I took it without pay, — I wish I could get what I told you yesterday, — I'd give ten times the sum.” “You are going on again.” “Don't be foolish, —take it, buy a pair of silk stockings.” “Your plump legs would look so nice in them”, — and I forced her to put the money into her pocket.

Then I got her to the parlour, to sit down, to allow me to kiss her, and then to talk about me and my “Missus”, as she called her, a subject which seemed to excite her, for she began asking me question after question, and listened to all I said with breathless attention about my daily habits, rows, and fast doings. Once I stopped at some question. “I won't tell you that.” “Oh! do, — do.” “No it's curious.” “Do, — do.” It was about a pretty servant-girl whom I had noticed in my house. “It will offend you if I do.” “No it won't.” “Well give me a kiss then.”

She kissed me. She had stood up a moment, now she sat down again by me on the sofa. I went on with my story, every now and then I stopped till she kissed me, it came to a kiss every minute, as I sat with my arm round her waist, talking.

Said I, “It was a servant whom my wife turned out at a day's notice, — a pretty girl, — I had taken to kissing her, and then I nudged her somewhere you know. One night when she opened the door, I saw by the light that my wife was in our bed-room. 'Is your Mistress upstairs?' 'Yes sir.' 'And the cook?' 'Yes.' Then I closed with her. 'Don't sir, Missus will hear.' I hugged her closer, shoved her up against the wall, got my hand on to her cunt, felt her, and gave her halfa-sovereign. How delicious it was to get the fingers on to the wet nick of that pretty girl, and say, 'How I should like to fuck that Mary.' I told it in words like that to Jenny, and she sat listening. At the word “fuck” up she got.

“You are a going on rude again.” “You asked me.” “Not for that.” “But that's what I had to tell, what you kissed me to tell.” “I didn't think you would say rude things.” “Sit down, and I'll tell you without rude words.” And so I did, telling all over again with additions, but instead of saying “cunt”, “fuck”, and so on, said, “I got my hand you know where”, — “and then she let me you know what”, — “she was frightened to let me do, you guess what I wanted.”

“Luckily though she foolishly told her fellow-servant, she did not say who had been feeling her. That sneak told my wife, who told me about it, or all she knew, and said she could not keep such an improper girl in the house as that. 'But the other servant may have told a lie to spite her.' 'Perhaps, but I'll turn her out too', — and so she did, both left.”