“You know what?” I’m bouncing. “You know what that means? He must go in TV.” The medical planet’s come back on but I’m not even watching. “Old Nick,” I say, so she won’t think I mean the man in the yellow helmet. “When he’s not here, in the daytime, you know what? He actually goes in TV. That’s where he got our killers in a store and brung them here.”
“Brought,” says Ma, standing up. “Brought, not brung. It’s time for bed.” She starts singing “Indicate the Way to My Abode” but I don’t join in.
I don’t think she understands how amazing this is. I think about it right through putting on my sleep T-shirt and brushing my teeth and even when I’m having some on Bed. I take my mouth back, I say, “How come we never see him in TV?”
Ma yawns and sits up.
“All the times we’re watching, we never see him, how come?”
“He’s not there.”
“But the bottle, how did he get it?”
“I don’t know.”
The way she says it, it’s strange. I think she’s pretending. “You have to know. You know everything.”
“Look, it really doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter and I do mind.” I’m nearly shouting.
“Jack—”
Jack what? What does
Ma leans back on the pillows. “It’s very hard to explain.”
I think she can explain, she just won’t. “You can, because I’m five now.”
Her face is turned toward Door. “Where our bottle of pills used to be, right, is a store, that’s where he got them, then he brought them here for Sunday treat.” “A store in TV?” I look up at Shelf to check the bottle’s there. “But the killers are real—”
“It’s a real store.” Ma rubs her eye.
“How—?”
“OK, OK, OK.”
Why is she shouting?
“Listen. What we see on TV is. . it’s pictures of real things.”
That’s the most astonishing I ever heard.
Ma’s got her hand over her mouth.
“Dora’s real for real?”
She takes her hand away. “No, sorry. Lots of TV is made-up pictures — like, Dora’s just a drawing — but the other people, the ones with faces that look like you and me, they’re real.”
“Actual humans?”
She nods. “And the places are real too, like farms and forests and airplanes and cities. .”
“Nah.” Why is she tricking me? “Where would they fit?”
“Out there,” says Ma. “Outside.” She jerks her head back.
“Outside Bed Wall?” I stare at it.
“Outside Room.” She points the other way now, at Stove Wall, her finger goes around in a circle.
“The stores and forests zoom around in Outer Space?”
“No. Forget it, Jack, I shouldn’t have—”
“Yes you should.” I shake her knee hard, I say, “Tell me.”
“Not tonight, I can’t think of the right words to explain.”
Alice says she can’t explain herself because she’s not herself, she knows who she was this morning but she’s changed several times since then.
Ma suddenly stands up and gets the killers down off Shelf, I think she’s checking are they the same as the ones in TV but she opens the bottle and eats one then another one.
“Will you find the words tomorrow?”
“It’s eight forty-nine, Jack, would you just go to bed?” She ties the trash bag and puts it beside Door.
I lie down in Wardrobe but I’m wide awake.
• • •
Today is one of the days when Ma is Gone.
She won’t wake up properly. She’s here but not really. She stays in Bed with the pillows on her head.
Silly Penis is standing up, I squish him down.
I eat my hundred cereal and I stand on my chair to wash the bowl and Meltedy Spoon. It’s very quiet when I switch off the water. I wonder did Old Nick come in the night. I don’t think he did because the trash bag is still by Door, but maybe he did only he didn’t take the trash? Maybe Ma’s not just Gone. Maybe he squished her neck even harder and now she’s—
I go up really close and listen till I hear breath. I’m just one inch away, my hair touches Ma’s nose and she puts her hand up over her face so I step back.
I don’t have a bath on my own, I just get dressed.
There’s hours and hours, hundreds of them.
Ma gets up to pee but no talking, with her face all blank. I already put a glass of water beside Bed but she just gets back under Duvet.
I hate when she’s Gone, but I like that I get to watch TV all day. I put it on really quiet at first and make it a bit louder at a time. Too much TV might turn me into a zombie but Ma’s like a zombie today and she’s not watching even. There’s
Thursday means laundry, but I can’t do it all myself and Ma’s still lying on the sheets anyway.