The Lazy Tour of Two Idle Apprentices

‘The farther I am from the window,’ he said, ‘the better, Brother Francis, I shall be pleased.  I have nothing in common with the one prevalent idea of all those people who are passing in the street.  Why should I care to look at them?’

‘I hope I have nothing in common with the prevalent idea of a great many of them, either,’ answered Goodchild, thinking of the sporting gentlemen whom he had met in the course of his wanderings about Doncaster.  ‘But, surely, among all the people who are walking by the house, at this very moment, you may find—’

‘Not one living creature,’ interposed Thomas, ‘who is not, in one way or another, interested in horses, and who is not, in a greater or less degree, an admirer of them.  Now, I hold opinions in reference to these particular members of the quadruped creation, which may lay claim (as I believe) to the disastrous distinction of being unpartaken by any other human being, civilised or savage, over the whole surface of the earth.  Taking the horse as an animal in the abstract, Francis, I cordially despise him from every point of view.’

‘Thomas,’ said Goodchild, ‘confinement to the house has begun to affect your biliary secretions.  I shall go to the chemist’s and get you some physic.’

‘I object,’ continued Thomas, quietly possessing himself of his friend’s hat, which stood on a table near him,—‘I object, first, to the personal appearance of the horse.  I protest against the conventional idea of beauty, as attached to that animal.  I think his nose too long, his forehead too low, and his legs (except in the case of the cart-horse) ridiculously thin by comparison with the size of his body.  Again, considering how big an animal he is, I object to the contemptible delicacy of his constitution.  Is he not the sickliest creature in creation?  Does any child catch cold as easily as a horse?  Does he not sprain his fetlock, for all his appearance of superior strength, as easily as I sprained my ankle!  Furthermore, to take him from another point of view, what a helpless wretch he is!  No fine lady requires more constant waiting-on than a horse.  Other animals can make their own toilette: he must have a groom.  You will tell me that this is because we want to make his coat artificially glossy.  Glossy!  Come home with me, and see my cat,—my clever cat, who can groom herself!  Look at your own dog! see how the intelligent creature curry-combs himself with his own honest teeth!  Then, again, what a fool the horse is, what a poor, nervous fool!  He will start at a piece of white paper in the road as if it was a lion.  His one idea, when he hears a noise that he is not accustomed to, is to run away from it.  What do you say to those two common instances of the sense and courage of this absurdly overpraised animal?  I might multiply them to two hundred, if I chose to exert my mind and waste my breath, which I never do.  I prefer coming at once to my last charge against the horse, which is the most serious of all, because it affects his moral character.  I accuse him boldly, in his capacity of servant to man, of slyness and treachery.  I brand him publicly, no matter how mild he may look about the eyes, or how sleek he may be about the coat, as a systematic betrayer, whenever he can get the chance, of the confidence reposed in him.  What do you mean by laughing and shaking your head at me?’

‘Oh, Thomas, Thomas!’ said Goodchild.  ‘You had better give me my hat; you had better let me get you that physic.’