Unseen Academicals

‘I’m only drinking the cider bit,’ said Pepe. ‘Yes, all she’ll have to do is show off clothes, but to judge from the mob back at the shop there’s going to be people who want her to show off shoes, hats, hairstyles…’

‘No hanky panky,’ said Glenda.

‘I don’t think you’ll find, anywhere in the world, a greater expert in both hanky and panky than Madame. In fact, I would be surprised if you, Glenda, knew one hundredth of the hanky and panky that she does, especially as she invented quite a lot of it herself. And since we’ll notice it when we see it, we’ll keep an eye on her.’

‘And she’s got to eat proper meals and get a good night’s sleep,’ said Glenda.

Pepe nodded, although she expected that both those concepts were quite alien to him.

‘And paid,’ she added.

‘We’ll cut her in on the profits if she works exclusively for us,’ said Pepe. ‘Madame wants to talk to you about that.’

‘Yes, someone might want to pay her more than you do,’ said Glenda.

‘My, my, my. How fast we learn. I’m sure Madame will have great fun talking to you.’

Juliet looked from one to the other, sleep still wreathing her face. ‘You want me to go back to the shop?’

‘I don’t want you to do anything,’ said Glenda. ‘It’s up to you, okay? It’s just up to you, but it seems to me that if you stay here then basically what you’ll be doing is pies.’

‘Well, not just pies,’ said Juliet.

‘Well, no, fair enough, there are also flans, bubble and squeak and assorted late-night dainties,’ said Glenda. ‘But you know what I mean. On the other hand, you could go and show off all these fancy clothes and go to lots of fancy places a long, long way from here and see a lot of new people and you’d know that if it all goes pear-shaped you could always make it pie-shaped.’

‘Hah, nice one,’ said Pepe, who’d found another bottle.

‘I really would like to go,’ said Juliet.

‘Then go now. I mean right now

, or at least as soon as he’s finished drinking the ketchup.’

‘But I’ll have to go back for my stuff!’

Glenda reached down inside her vest and pulled out a burgundy-coloured booklet with the seal of Ankh-Morpork on it.

‘What’s that?’ said Juliet.

‘Your bank book. Your money’s safe in the bank and you can take it out any time you want.’

Juliet turned the bank book over and over in her hands. ‘I don’t fink anyone in my family’s ever been in a bank except for Uncle Geoffrey and they caught up with ’im even before he got home.’

‘Keep quiet about it. Don’t go home. Buy yourself lots of new stuff. Get yourself sorted out and then go back and see your dad and everybody when you have. The point is, even if you don’t go right away, in your mind you should always be going. But the important thing is to go right now. Move out. Get on. Climb up. All the things I should have done.’

‘What about Trev?’ said Juliet.

Glenda had to think about that. ‘How are things with you and Trev, then? I saw you two talking last night.’

‘Talking is allowed,’ said Juliet defensively. ‘Anyhow, he was only telling me how he was going to get himself a better job.’

‘Doing what?’ said Glenda. ‘I’ve never seen him doing a straight day’s work in all the years I’ve known him.’

‘He says he’s going to find something,’ said Juliet. ‘He said Nutt told ’im to. He said Nutt said that when Trev finds out who Trev is, like, he will, like, know what he can do. So I told ’im he was Trevor Likely, and he said that was, you know, helpful.’

I’m stuck, aren’t I? Glenda told herself. I’m talking about changing and getting out, so I have to allow that maybe he’s going to, too. Aloud, she said, ‘It’s up to you. It’s all up to you, but just mind that he keeps his hands to himself.’

‘He always keeps his hands to himself,’ said Juliet. ‘It’s a bit worryin’. I’ve never had to think about kneeing him in the tonker, not once.’

There was a strangled laugh from Pepe, who had just discovered the wow-wow sauce. The bottle was almost empty and, in theory, he should have no stomach left.

‘Never, ever?’ said Glenda, mystified at this unnatural history.

‘No, he’s always very polite and just a bit sad.’

That must mean he’s planning something, Glenda’s inner self provided. She said, ‘Well, it’s up to you. I can’t help here, but remember, you’ve always got your knee.’

‘And what about …?’ Juliet began.

‘Look,’ said Glenda firmly, ‘either you go off now and see the world and earn lots of money and get your picture in the papers and all of the other things I know you would really like to do, or you have to sort it out for yourself.’

‘We’re going to be here for some time,’ said Pepe. ‘You know, this sauce would be nice with a little bit of vodka in it. It really would give it a little bit of zest. A little bit of sparkle. Come to think of it, a lot of vodka would be even better.’

‘But I love ’im!’ Juliet wailed.

‘That’s all right, then, stay here,’ said Glenda. ‘Have you even kissed?’

‘No! He never quite gets round to it.’

‘Perhaps he’s one of those gentlemen who don’t like the ladies,’ said Pepe primly.

‘And we could really do without your input,’ snapped Glenda, turning on him.