Unseen Academicals

Sator Square was where the city went when it was upset, baffled or fearful. People who had no real idea why they were doing so congregated to listen to other people who also did not know anything, on the basis that ignorance shared is ignorance doubled. There were clusters of people there this morning and several scratch teams, for it is written, or more probably scrawled on a wall somewhere, that wherever two or more are gathered together, at least one will have something to kick. Tin cans and tightly wound balls of rag were annoying adults on all sides, but as Glenda hurried nearer, the big doors of the university opened and Ponder Stibbons stepped out, somewhat inexpertly bouncing one of the wretched new leather balls. Gloing! Silence clanged, as rolling cans rattled on unheeded. All eyes were on the wizard and on the ball. He threw it down and there was a double gloing! as it bounced off the stones. And then he kicked it. It was a bit wussy as kicks went, that kick, but no one in the square had ever kicked anything even one tenth as far, and every male chased after it, propelled by ancient instinct.

They’ve won, Glenda thought glumly. A ball that goes gloing! when others go clunk … Well, where’s the contest?

She hurried on to the back entrance. In a world that was getting too complicated, where she could barge in on the black-hearted Tyrant and walk out unscathed, she needed a place to go that wasn’t spinning. The Night Kitchen was as familiar as her bedroom, her place, under her control. She could face anything there.

There was a figure lounging against the wall by the rubbish bins, and for some reason she identified it right away, despite the heavy cloak and the hat pulled down over the eyes; no one she had ever met could relax as perfectly as Pepe.

‘Wotcher, Glenda,’ said a voice from under the hat.

‘What are you doing here?’ she said.

‘Do you know how hard it is to find somebody in this city when you can’t tell anyone what they look like and aren’t really sure you can remember their name?’ said Pepe. ‘Where’s Jools?’

‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I haven’t seen her since last night.’

‘It might be a good idea to find her before other people do,’ said Pepe.

‘What people?’ said Glenda.

Pepe shrugged. ‘Everybody,’ he said. ‘They’re mostly looking in the dwarf districts right now, but it can only be a matter of time. We can’t move down at the shop for them and it was all I could do to sneak out.’

‘What are they after her for?’ said Glenda, panic rising. ‘I saw in the paper that people were trying to find her, but she hasn’t done anything wrong!’

‘I don’t think you exactly grasp what’s going on,’ said the (possible) dwarf. ‘They want to find her to ask her a lot of questions.’

‘Has this got anything to do with Lord Vetinari?’ said Glenda suspiciously.

‘I wouldn’t have thought so,’ said Pepe.

‘What sort of questions, then?’

‘Oh, you know — What is your favourite colour? What do you like to eat? Are you an item with anybody? What advice do you have for young people today? Do you wax? Where do you get your hair done? What is your favourite spoon?’

‘I don’t think she’s got a favourite spoon,’ said Glenda, waiting for the world to make some sense.

Pepe patted her on the shoulder. ‘Look, she’s on the front page of the paper, isn’t she? And the Times keeps on at us about wanting to do a lifestyle profile of her. That might not actually be a bad thing, but it’s up to you.’

‘I don’t think she’s got a lifestyle,’ said Glenda, a little bewildered. ‘She’s never said. And she doesn’t wax. She hardly even dusts. Anyway, just tell them all that she doesn’t want to talk to anybody.’

Pepe’s expression went strange for a moment, then he said with care, like a man, or dwarf, struggling to be heard across a cultural divide, ‘Do you think I was talking about furniture?’

‘Well, what else? And I don’t think her housework is anyone else’s business.’

‘Don’t you understand? She’s popular, and the more we tell people they can’t talk to her, the more they want to, and the more you say no the more interested they become. People want to know all about her,’ said Pepe.

‘Like what her favourite spoon is?’ said Glenda.

‘I might have been a bit ironic,’ said Pepe. ‘But there’s newspaper writers all over the city looking for her and Bu-bubble want to do a two-page spread on her.’ He paused. ‘That means they’ll write about her and it’ll take two pages,’ he volunteered helpfully. ‘The Low King of the dwarfs has said that she is an icon for our times, according to Satblatt.’

‘What’s Satblatt?’ said Glenda.

‘Oh, the dwarf newspaper,’ said Pepe. ‘You’ll probably never see it.’

‘But she was just in a fashion show!’ wailed Glenda. ‘She was just walking up and down! I’m sure she doesn’t want to get involved in all that sort of thing.’

Pepe gave her a sharp look. ‘Are you?’ he said.