A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

Thomas Hood 1799–1845 English poet and humorist

And we will all go together when we go—

Every Hottentot and every Eskimo.

Tom Lehrer 1928– American humorist

In fact, I’m not really a Jew. Just Jew-ish. Not the whole hog, you know.

Jonathan Miller 1934– English writer and director

Frogs ... are slightly better than Huns or Wops, but abroad is unutterably bloody and foreigners are fiends.

Nancy Mitford 1904–73 English writer

New Zealand was colonised initially by those Australians who had the initiative to escape.

Robert Muldoon 1921–92 New Zealand statesman

MICHAEL CAINE: There’s only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures and the Dutch.

Mike Myers 1963– Canadian actor, in the film Goldmember

The people of Crete unfortunately make more history than they can consume locally.

Saki

1870–1916 Scottish writer

England and America are two countries divided by a common language.

George Bernard Shaw 1856–1950 Irish dramatist

I look upon Switzerland as an inferior sort of Scotland.

Sydney Smith 1771–1845 English clergyman and essayist

Lump the whole thing! say that the Creator made Italy from designs by Michael Angelo!

Mark Twain 1835–1910 American writer

I don’t like Norwegians at all. The sun never sets, the bar never opens, and the whole country smells of kippers.

Evelyn Waugh 1903–66 English novelist

The Country

seeNATUREand the Country

Cricket

see alsoSPORTS

the umpire to the bowler, after ‘not out’ was called when W. G. Grace was unexpectedly bowled first ball:

They have paid to see Dr Grace bat, not to see you bowl.

Anonymous

after South Africa’s ‘Tufty’ Mann had baffled George Mann of Middlesex with three successive deliveries:

It is a clear case of Mann’s inhumanity to Mann.

John Arlott 1914–91 English journalist and broadcaster

on being seen looking at a newspaper while fielding in the deep:

I just wanted to find out who we were playing.

Warwick Armstrong 1879–1947 Australian cricketer

on being approached for a contribution to W. G. Grace’s testimonial:

It’s not in support of cricket but as an earnest protest against golf.

Max Beerbohm 1872–1956 English critic, essayist, and caricaturist

Never read print, it spoils one’s eye for the ball.

W. G. Grace 1848–1915 English cricketer, habitual advice to his players

Cricket—a game which the English, not being a spiritual people, have invented in order to give themselves some conception of eternity.

Lord Mancroft

1914–87 British Conservative politician

having watched a match at Lord’s for several hours:

MICHAEL DAVIE: Are you enjoying it?

GROUCHO MARX: It’s great. When does it start?

Groucho Marx 1890–1977 American film comedian

I need nine wickets from this match, and you buggers had better start drawing straws to see who I don’t get.

Freddie Trueman 1931–2006 English cricketer, to an opposing team

To the spectator, cricket is more a therapy than a sport. It is like watching fish dart about a pool.

Michael Wale English journalist

It’s a well-known fact that, when I’m on 99, I’m the best judge of a run in all the bloody world.

Alan Wharton 1923–93 English cricketer

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Robin Williams 1951–2014 American actor

Crime and Punishment

see alsoLAW, MURDER

to the prison chaplain who asked if he were sewing (mailbags), when imprisoned for fraud:

No, reaping.

Horatio Bottomley 1860–1933 British newspaper proprietor and financier

What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?

Bertolt Brecht 1898–1956 German dramatist

Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

G. K. Chesterton 1874–1936 English essayist, novelist, and poet

Thou shalt not steal; an empty feat,

When it’s so lucrative to cheat.

Arthur Hugh Clough 1819–61 English poet

of a burglar:

He found it inconvenient to be poor.

William Cowper 1731–1800 English poet

CLAUDE RAINS: Major Strasser has been shot. Round up the usual suspects.

Julius J. Epstein 1909–2001 and others American screenwriters, in the film Casablanca