A Little Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations

I made the little buggers hop.

Thomas Beecham 1879–1961 English conductor, on conducting the Diaghilev Ballet

on being asked whether the fashion for nudity would extend to dance:

No. You see there are portions of the human anatomy which would keep swinging after the music had finished.

Robert Helpmann 1909–86 Australian dancer

GROUCHO MARX: I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thoughts, I’d rather dance with the cows till you came home.

Bert Kalmar 1884–1947 and others screenwriters, in the film Duck Soup

Dancing is wonderful training for girls, it’s the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it.

Christopher Morley 1890–1957 American writer

[Dancing is] a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

George Bernard Shaw

1856–1950 Irish dramatist

Dating

see alsoRELATIONSHIPS

‘Mrs Merton’ to Debbie McGee:

But what first, Debbie, attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?

Caroline Aherne 1963–2016 English comedian

Tell me about yourself—your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number.

Peter Arno 1904–68 American cartoonist

I will not ... sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete without boyfriend, as best way to obtain boyfriend.

Helen Fielding 1958– British writer as Bridget Jones

On a plane ... you can pick up more and better people than on any other public conveyance since the stagecoach.

Anita Loos 1893–1981 American writer

In European countries, there are more princes than dentists.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson

1971–2017 English socialite, on finding a suitable man

A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.

Monica Piper

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

Helen Rowland 1875–1950 American writer

Whenever I date a guy, I think: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Rita Rudner 1953– American comedienne and writer

Won’t you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you.

Richard Brinsley Sheridan 1751–1816 Irish dramatist and Whig politician

when courting his future wife:

I would worship the ground you walk on, Audrey, if you only lived in a better neighbourhood.

Billy Wilder 1906–2002 American screenwriter and director

All my friends started getting boyfriends. But I didn’t want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen colour biro.

Victoria Wood

1953–2016 British writer and comedienne

Death

see alsoEPITAPHS, FUNERALS, LAST WORDS

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work ... I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen 1935– American film director, writer, and actor

Even death is unreliable: instead of zero it may be some ghastly hallucination, such as the square root of minus one.

Samuel Beckett 1906–89 Irish dramatist, novelist, and poet

When I came back to Dublin, I was courtmartialled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

Brendan Behan 1923–64 Irish dramatist

When I am dead, I hope it may be said:

‘His sins were scarlet, but his books were read.’

Hilaire Belloc

1870–1953 British writer and Liberal politician

If you live to be one hundred you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

George Burns 1896–1996 American comedian

I saw that show ‘Fifty Things To Do Before You Die’. I would have thought the obvious one was ‘Shout For Help’.

Jimmy Carr 1972– Irish comedian

I read the Times and if my name is not in the obits I proceed to enjoy the day.

Noël Coward 1899–1973 English dramatist, actor, and composer

When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin. I wonder would they know it was me?

J. P. Donleavy 1926–2017 Irish-American novelist

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.

Benjamin Franklin 1706–90 American politician, inventor, and scientist

Once you’re dead, you’re made for life.

Jimi Hendrix 1942–70 American rock musician

I had an interest in death from an early age. It fascinated me. When I heard ‘Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,’ I thought, ‘Did he fall or was he pushed?’

P. D. James 1920–2014 English writer