Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

RON: Honestly, every time I sit down now I make an “ooof” noise. An “ooof.” And my feet — the trouble I’m having with my feet — I could write songs about the pain my feet give me — maybe your scar is like that.

GINNY: You talk a lot of rubbish.

RON: I consider it my speciality. That and my range of Skiving Snackboxes. And my love for all of you. Even Skinny Ginny.

GINNY: If you don’t behave, Ronald Weasley, I will tell Mum.

RON: You wouldn’t.

HERMIONE: If some part of Voldemort survived, in whatever form, we need to be prepared. And I’m scared.

GINNY: I’m scared too.

RON: Nothing scares me. Apart from Mum.

HERMIONE: I mean it, Harry, I will not be Cornelius Fudge on this one. I will not stick my head in the sand. And I don’t care how unpopular that makes me with Draco Malfoy.

RON: You never really were one for popularity, were you?

HERMIONE shoots RON a withering look as she aims to hit him but RON jumps out of the way.

Missed.

GINNY hits RON. RON winces.

Hit. A very solid hit.

Suddenly an owl is in the room. It swoops in low and drops a letter on HARRY’s plate.

HERMIONE: Bit late for an owl, isn’t it?

HARRY opens the letter. Surprised.

HARRY: It’s from Professor McGonagall.

GINNY: What does it say?

HARRY’s face drops.

HARRY: Ginny, it’s Albus — Albus and Scorpius — they never made it to school. They’re missing.

ACT ONE, SCENE SIXTEEN

WHITEHALL, CELLAR

SCORPIUS is squinting at a bottle.

SCORPIUS: So we just take it?

ALBUS: Scorpius, do I really need to explain to you — übergeek and Potions expert — what Polyjuice does? Thanks to Delphi’s brilliant preparation work, we are going to take this potion and be transformed, and thus disguised we will be able to enter the Ministry of Magic.

SCORPIUS: Okay, two points, one, is it painful?

DELPHI: Very — as I understand it.

SCORPIUS: Thank you. Good to know. Second point: Do either of you know what Polyjuice tastes of? Because I’ve heard it tastes of fish and if it does I will just vomit it back up. Fish doesn’t agree with me. Never has. Never will.

DELPHI: Consider us warned. (She knocks back the potion.) It doesn’t taste of fish. (She begins to transform. It’s agonizing.) Actually it tastes quite pleasant, yum. It is painful but . . . (She burps, loudly.) Take it back. There is a — slight — (She burps again, she turns into HERMIONE.) Slight — overpowering — fishy residue.

ALBUS: Okay, that’s — wow.

SCORPIUS: Double wow.

DELPHI/HERMIONE: This really doesn’t feel how I — I even sound like her! Triple wow.

ALBUS: Right. Me next.

SCORPIUS: No. No way, José. If we’re doing this, we’re doing it (he puts on a pair of familiar-looking glasses with a smile) together.

ALBUS: Three. Two. One.

They swallow.

No, that’s good. (He’s racked with pain.) That’s less good.

They both start to transform and it’s agonizing.

ALBUS turns into RON, SCORPIUS into HARRY.

The two look at each other. There’s a silence.

ALBUS/RON: This is going to be slightly weird, isn’t it?

SCORPIUS/HARRY (full of drama — he’s really enjoying this): Go to your room. Go straight to your room. You’ve been an incredibly awful and bad son.

ALBUS/RON (with a laugh): Scorpius . . .

SCORPIUS/HARRY (tossing his cloak over his shoulder): It was your idea — I be him and you be Ron! I just want to have a little fun before I . . . (And then he burps loudly.)

Okay, so that’s utterly horrible.

ALBUS/RON: You know, he hides it well, but Uncle Ron’s got a bit of a gut growing.

DELPHI/HERMIONE: We should go — don’t you think?

They emerge onto the street. They enter a telephone box. They dial 62442.

TELEPHONE BOX: Welcome, Harry Potter. Welcome, Hermione Granger. Welcome, Ron Weasley.

They smile as the telephone box disappears into the floor.

ACT ONE, SCENE SEVENTEEN

MINISTRY OF MAGIC, MEETING ROOM

HARRY, HERMIONE, GINNY, and DRACO pace around a small room.

DRACO: Have we searched thoroughly beside the tracks . . .

HARRY: My department have searched once and are searching again.

DRACO: And the Trolley Witch is not able to tell us anything useful?