Sex with a Stranger

ADAM. Yeah. And they had this menu with—

He’s interrupted by a waiter.

Erm. Yes. I think so. Are you ready?

RUTH. Yes.

ADAM. Okay. To start, can we get the garlic bread to share – the one with mozzarella on it – thanks – and… olives? D’you like olives?

RUTH. Yeah!

ADAM. And some olives please. Again, to share. (To RUTH.) For mains?

RUTH. Thank you. (Studying the menu unnecessarily.) Can I have the Calabrese please?

ADAM. That doesn’t have capers in it does it? Good. And I’ll have the Sloppy Giuseppe.

They share a tiny smile.

And a glass of the Merlot – Large. Is Merlot okay?

RUTH. Yes. Lovely.

ADAM. And a bottle of Peroni. And can we get some chilli oil with the pizzas? Thanks. Yes that’s all. (To RUTH.) I think?

RUTH (with a chuckle). That’s enough for me.

ADAM (to the waiter). How long will our table be? Okay. Thank you.

The waiter goes away.

I booked well in advance.

RUTH. I really don’t mind.

She tries to lighten the mood.

‘Sloppy Giuseppe’…!

They both laugh a little.

How do they come up with these things?

They both laugh a bit more.

ADAM. There’s probably a chef in Italy called Giuseppe who’s really messy and he just made such a mess of a pizza and it tasted amazing and they named it after him!

RUTH. Yes!

They both laugh. They drink. The laugh settles. A beat.

I’m glad you like olives.

ADAM (a noise of agreement). Mm!

RUTH. I love olives.

ADAM. Mmm. Me too. I had these really lovely black olives once – my uncle works in the catering industry—

RUTH. Oo. You lucky bastard.

ADAM’s slightly taken aback by this and tries not to be. He laughs, finding her genuinely fresh and surprising. She laughs too.

Sorry!

ADAM. No! No! I am a lucky wotsit. We get a fresh turkey at Christmas.

RUTH. Oo. Lovely.

ADAM. And anyway he got these olives – straight from Italy – little shrivelled black ones. Very delicate texture.

RUTH. Oo. Lovely. They sound lovely.

ADAM. They really were.

RUTH. Do you prefer them stuffed or unstuffed?

ADAM. Oo. I don’t know.

RUTH. I like the green ones stuffed with feta.

ADAM. Yes! I love those ones!

RUTH. I could eat about a million of them.

ADAM. I do like them stuffed, actually. You’re right. But you’ve got to make sure it’s feta in there and not just some cheap cheese.

RUTH. Yeah. My mum gets them at the deli in Sainsbury’s.

ADAM. Oh. Lovely.

RUTH. Yeah. She got a big pot of them for my dad at Christmas.

ADAM. That’s really nice. Wow! She sounds like a great mum!

RUTH. She is.

A beat.

ADAM. But just to finish my anecdote—

RUTH. Yes! Of course. Sorry! Blabbering on!

ADAM. He got us these olives and they were just completely moreish. So moreish. Really delicious.

RUTH. Mmm. Lovely.

ADAM. Yeah.

A beat of silence.

I’m sure these olives will be delicious as well.

RUTH. Yes! Definitely.

ADAM. If they ever do their jobs and get us a bloody table!

RUTH. Ha!

A long silence, awkward on the sofas.

So what do your parents do for a living?

Blackout.

RUTH and ADAM’s flat.

ADAM (shouting). I wasn’t fucking looking at her!

RUTH (sitting with her feet on the sofa). Now who’s swearing?!

ADAM. Take your shoes off.

She tuts and moves her feet off the sofa

.

(Calmer.) Okay. Listen to me. Ruth. Stop being a fucking idiot and just listen to me—

RUTH (starting to cry). Adam!

ADAM. – and listen to what I’m saying. I looked in her direction. I’m not saying that in the course of the entire evening I didn’t look once in her direction. Of course I fucking did! You don’t expect me to just ignore our friend for the entire fucking evening just in case you decide I’m looking at her! That’s rude! You want me to be rude to our friends now?

RUTH. I want you to not stare at her—

ADAM (exploding again). I wasn’t staring, you fucking prick!

RUTH (exploding too, crying). To not stare at her when you’re supposed to fancy me!

ADAM. Of course I fancy you!

RUTH. Oh yeah! It’s wild!

ADAM. Shut up!

RUTH. It’s wild! You’re always ripping my clothes off!

ADAM (turning on her). You shut your fat fucking mouth!

Blackout.

Pub. She cries silently in her hands. His anger is barely containable. He speaks quietly. He has a mouthful of beer left in his pint glass.

ADAM. Stop. Crying.

She cries silently in her hands.

Stop. Fucking. Crying. People are looking.

She cries silently in her hands.