The Devil's Dictionary

MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers have been of the same way of thinking.

MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.

MAMMON, n. The god of the world’s leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York.

He swore that all other religions were gammon,

And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon.

Jared Oopf

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earh and Canada.

When the world was young and Man was new,

And everything was pleasant,

Distinctions Nature never drew

‘Mongst kings and priest and peasant.

We’re not that way at present,

Save here in this Republic, where

We have that old regime,

For all are kings, however bare

Their backs, howe’er extreme

Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice

To accept the tyrant of his party’s choice.

A citizen who would not vote,

And, therefore, was detested,

Was one day with a tarry coat

(With feathers backed and breasted)

By patriots invested.

“It is your duty,” cried the crowd,

“Your ballot true to cast

For the man o’ your choice.” He humbly bowed,

And explained his wicked past:

“That’s what I very gladly would have done,

Dear patriots, but he has never run.”

Apperton Duke

MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been particularly happy afterward.

MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious Opposition.

MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants.

MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.

MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important.

Material things I know, or fell, or see;

All else is immaterial to me.

Jamrach Holobom

MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich.

MAYONNAISE, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.

MEANDER, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.

MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, attainments or services more or less authentic.

It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of the medal, he replied: “I save lives sometimes.” And sometimes he didn’t.

MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.

MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.

M is for Moses,

Who slew the Egyptian.

As sweet as a rose is

The meekness of Moses.

No monument shows his

Post-mortem inscription,

But M is for Moses

Who slew the Egyptian.

The Biographical Alphabet

MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been disclosed by the manufacturers.

There was a youth (you’ve heard before,

This woeful tale, may be),

Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore

That color it would he!

He shut himself from the world away,

Nor any soul he saw.

He smoke by night, he smoked by day,

As hard as he could draw.

His dog died moaning in the wrath

Of winds that blew aloof;

The weeds were in the gravel path,

The owl was on the roof.

“He’s gone afar, he’ll come no more,”

The neighbors sadly say.

And so they batter in the door

To take his goods away.

Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay,

Nut-brown in face and limb.

“That pipe’s a lovely white,” they say,

“But it has colored him!”

The moral there’s small need to sing —

‘Tis plain as day to you:

Don’t play your game on any thing

That is a gamester too.

Martin Bulstrode