The Long Dark Tea-Time Of The Soul

It seemed to Kate that it was very odd to keep your visitors' names in a drawer, but then he clearly disliked having things cluttering up his fine, but severely designed, black ash desk because there was nothing on it at all. It was completely blank, as was every other surface in his office. There was nothing on the small neat steel and glass coffee table which sat squarely between two Barcelona chairs. There was nothing on top of the two expensive-looking filing cabinets which stood at the back of the room.

There were no bookshelves - if there were any books they were presumably hidden away behind the white doors of the large blank built-in cupboards - and although there was one plain black picture frame hanging on the wall, this was presumably a temporary aberration because there was no picture in it.

Kate looked around her with a bemused air.

"Do you have no ornaments in here at all, Mr Standish?" she asked.

He was, for a moment, somewhat taken aback by her transatlantic directness, but then answered her.

"Indeed I have ornaments," he said; and pulled open another drawer. He pulled out from this a small china model of a kitten playing with a ball of wool and put it firmly on the desk in front of him.

"As a psychologist I am aware of the important role that ornamentation plays in nourishing the human spirit," he pronounced.

He put the china kitten back in the drawer and slid it closed with a smooth click.

"Now."

He clasped his hands together on the desk in front of him, and looked at her enquiringly.

"It's very good of you to see me at short notice, Mr Standish - "

"Yes, yes, we've established that."

"- but I'm sure you know what newspaper deadlines are like."

"I know at least as much as I would ever care to know about newspapers, Miss, er - "

He opened his drawer again.

"Miss Schechter, but - "

"Well that's partly what made me approach you," lied Kate charmingly. "I know that you have suffered from some, well, unfortunate publicity here, and thought you might welcome the opportunity to talk about some of the more enlightening aspects of the work at the Woodshead Hospital." She smiled very sweetly.

"It's only because you come to me with the highest recommendation from my very good friend and colleague Mr, er - "

"Franklin, Alan Franklin," prompted Kate, to save the psychologist from having to open his drawer again. Alan Franklin was a therapist whom Kate had seen for a few sessions after the loss of her husband Luke. He had warned her that Standish, though brilliant, was also peculiar, even by the high standards set by his profession.

"Franklin," resumed Standish, "that I agreed to see you. Let me warn you instantly that if I see any resumption of this 'Something nasty in the Woodshead' mendacity appearing in the papers as a result of this interview I will, I will - "

"`- do such things -

`What they are yet I know not - but they shall be

` The terror of the Earth '," said Kate, brightly.

Standish narrowed his eyes.

"Lear, Act 2, Scene 4," he said. "And I think you'll find it's `terrors' and not `terror'."

"Do you know, I think you're right?" replied Kate.

Thank you, Alan, she thought. She smiled at Standish, who relaxed into pleased superiority. It was odd, Kate reflected, that people who needed to bully you were the easiest to push around.

"So you would like to know precisely what, Miss Schechter?"

"Assume," said Kate, "that I know nothing."

Standish smiled, as if to signify that no assumption could possibly give him greater pleasure.

"Very well," he said. "The Woodshead is a research hospital. We specialise in the care and study of patients with unusual or previously unknown conditions, largely in the psychological or psychiatric fields. Funds are raised in various ways. One of our chief methods is quite simply to take in private patients at exorbitantly high fees, which they are happy to pay, or at least happy to complain about. There is in fact nothing to complain about because patients who come to us privately are made fully aware of why our fees are so high. For the money they are paying, they are, of course, perfectly entitled to complain - the right to complain is one of the privileges they are paying for. In some cases we come to a special arrangement under which, in return for being made the sole beneficiaries of a patient's estate, we will guarantee to look after that patient for the rest of his or her life."

"So in effect you are in the business of giving scholarships to people with particularly gifted diseases?"

"Exactly. A very good way of expressing it. We are in the business of giving scholarships to people with particularly gifted diseases. I must make a note of that. Miss Mayhew!"