The Long Dark Tea-Time Of The Soul

"Hot Potato!" roared the hi-fi in the caf.

"Don't pick it up. pick it up, pick it up.

"Quick, pass it on, pass it on, pass it on."

"I said, do you know you sound exactly as if someone's broken your nose?" repeated Nobby.

Dirk said that he did know this, thanked Nobby for pointing it out, said goodbye, stood thoughtfully for a moment, made another quick couple of phone calls, and then threaded his way back through the huddle of posing waiters to find the girl whose coffee he had appropriated sitting at his table.

"Hello," she said, meaningfully.

Dirk was as gracious as he knew how.

He bowed to her very politely, doffed his hat, since all this gave him a second or so to recover himself, and requested her permission to sit down.

"Go ahead," she said, "it's your table." She gestured magnanimously.

She was small, her hair was neat and dark, she was in her mid-twenties, and was looking quizzically at the half-empty cup of coffee in the middle of the table.

Dirk sat down opposite her and leant forward conspiratorially. "I expeg," he said in a low voice, "you are enquirigg after your coffee."

"You betcha," said the girl.

"Id very bad for you, you dow."

"Is it?"

"Id id. Caffeide. Cholethderog in the milgg."

"I see, so it was just my health you were thinking of."

"I was thiggigg of meddy thiggs," said Dirk airily.

"You saw me sitting at the next table and you thought `There's a nice-looking girl with her health in ruins. Let me save her from herself.'"

"In a nudthell."

"Do you know you've broken your nose?"

"Yeth, of courth I do," said Dirk crossly. "Everybody keepth - "

"How long ago did you break it?" the girl asked.

"Id wad broked for me," said Dirk, "aboud tweddy middidd ago."

"I thought so," said the girl. "Close your eyes for a moment."

Dirk looked at her suspiciously.

"Why?"

"It's all right," she said with a smile, "I'm not going to hurt you. Now close them."

With a puzzled frown, Dirk closed his eyes just for a moment. In that moment the girl reached over and gripped him firmly by the nose, giving it a sharp twist. Dirk nearly exploded with pain and howled so loudly that he almost attracted the attention of a waiter.

"You widge!" he yelled, staggering wildly back from the table clutching his face. "You double-dabbed widge!"

"Oh, be quiet and sit down," she said. "All right, I lied about it not going to hurt you, but at least it should be straight now, which will save you a lot worse later on. You should get straight round to a hospital to have some splints and padding put on. I'm a nurse, I know what I'm doing. Or at least, I think I do. Let's have a look at you."

Panting and spluttering, Dirk sat down once more, his hands cupped round his nose. After a few long seconds he began to prod it tenderly again and then let the girl examine it.

She said, "My name's Sally Mills, by the way. I usually try to introduce myself properly before physical intimacy takes place, but sometimes," she sighed, "there just isn't time."

Dirk ran his fingers up either side of his nose again.

"I thigg id id trader," Dirk said at last.

"Straighter," Sally said. "Say `straighter' properly. It'll help you feel better. "

"Straighter," said Dirk. "Yed. I thee wad you mead."

"What?"

"I see what you mead."

"Good," she said with a sigh of relief, "I'm glad that worked. My horoscope this morning said that virtually everything I decided today would be wrong."

"Yes, well you don't want to believe all that rubbish," said Dirk sharply.

"I don't," said Satly.

"Particularly not The Great Zaganza."

"Oh, you read it too, did you?"

"No. That is, well, not for the same reason."

"My reason was that a patient asked me to read his horoscope to him this morning just before he died. What was yours?"

"Er, a very complicated one."

"I see," said Sally, sceptically. "What's this?"

"It's a calculator," said Dirk. "Well, look, I mustn't keep you. I am indebted to you, my dear lady, for the tenderness of your ministrations and the loan of your coffee, but lo! the day wears on, and I am sure you have a heavy schedule of grievous bodily harm to attend to."

"Not at all. I came off night duty at nine o'clock this morning, and all I have to do all day is keep awake so that I can sleep normally tonight. I have nothing better to do than to sit arnund talking to strangers in cafs. You, on the other hand, should get yourself to a casualty department as soon as possible. As soon as you've paid my bill, in fact."

She leant over to the table she had originally been sitting at and picked up the running-total lying by her plate. She looked at it, shaking her head disapprovingly.

"Five cups of coffee, I'm afraid. It was a long night on the wards. All sorts of comings and goings in the middle of it. One patient in a coma who had to be moved to a private hospital in the early hours. God knows why it had to be done at that time of night. Just creates unnecessary trouble. I wouldn't pay for the second croissant if I were you. I ordered it but it never came."

She pushed the bill across to Dirk who picked it up with a reluctant sigh.