Funny Children's Stories. Bilingual Edition

И мама опять сказала папе: «Зачем ты говоришь всё это при ребёнке?» Но сказала она это не так, как в первый раз. Она сказала это очень неуверенно.

И тут папа встал со стула и уже совсем громко сказал маме: «А пусть ребёнок знает, что з

авуч – стерва и кагэбэшница». И вышел из комнаты.

Я очень удивился, когда услышал от папы все эти слова. Потому что раньше я только слышал что-то подобное, когда папа перешёптывался с кем-то. А теперь он произнёс это вслух, да ещё как бы для меня. И я то

лько удивился, что никто мне в этот раз не напомнил, чтобы я помалкивал.

Но тут мама подняла глаза на меня и сказала: «Ты знаешь…» И я, конечно, подтвердил, что всё знаю. Я знаю, что совсем не обязательно всем рассказывать, о чём говорят в семье. И ещё я сказал, что хочу пойти во двор погул

ять. И мама мне ответила: «Да, я знаю, что ты уже совсем большой стал. Иди погуляй, конечно».

Когда я скатывался вниз по ступенькам нашей лестницы, я думал, какое же это счастье, что моими мамой и папой являются мои мама и папа. И когда я вылета

л из нашего подъезда, я забыл о том, что мама мне говорила, чтобы я не хлопал дверью так, чтобы слышали все жильцы нашего дома. И дверь, конечно, хлопнула. И, наверное, жильцы нашего дома услышали это. И я думаю, что жильцы соседнего дома услышали это тоже.

Rhododendron

I got a two in botany. Our assistant principal teaches botany in our school. She recently called on me to tell the class about rhododendrons. And when she called on me, she pronounced it “rhododerdons.” She always says “rhododerdons.” And I always want to laugh when she says it like that. But I keep it to myself because I know that if I laugh, she will expel me from school.

Our botany teacher pronounces many words in a funny way, not like everyone else. She stresses the wrong syllable in the word “Israel.” And she makes this word sound very insulting.

She sounds even more insulting when she talks about Americans. Though, in our school, everyone talks insultingly about Americans. But our botany teacher says it in a funny way. She skips the first letter in the word “Americans.” She just pronounces it “Mericans.”

My friend, Gleb Paramonov, mimics her and says, “The Mericans have bloated bellies from starvation while their Merican president drinks Coca-Cola and plays golf!” And that always sounds very funny.

And so our botany teacher called on me to talk about rhododendrons. I started to sketch a rhododendron on the right half of the blackboard. And someone from our class already finished drawing on the left side of the blackboard and began to explain the drawing. By the time he finished speaking, I had finished sketching my rhododendron.

And then everything happened very quickly. Our botany teacher turned to me and asked what I was going to talk about. And I said that I was going to talk about rhododendrons. I pronounced it the usual way. And I looked at her. She looked at me and said, “Sit down. A two.”

When I came home from school and told my mom that I got a two in botany, she could not believe it. She began questioning me about what happened in class. And I replied that I talked about “rhododerdons” – I pronounced it like our botany teacher pronounced it.

But Mom asked me not to clown around. And I said that I was not clowning and that our botany teacher said it that way. Then Mom began to question me on all the details. Finally she said she did not believe it.

When Mom said that she did not believe it, I just burst into tears. It was not like they started to flow down my face – they just sprayed from my eyes. And then Mom said that I misunderstood her. When she said that she did not believe it, she did not mean that she did not believe me. Of course she believed me. She just could not believe that it actually might happen.

And I said that it was the same thing – not to believe me or not to believe that it actually might happen. But my mom explained to me that when people said that they could not believe something, they often meant that it was just difficult to believe in something. And Mom said that she meant that it was just hard to believe that such a thing could actually happen. She added that tomorrow she would go to school and sort things out.

Next day Mom did go to school to sort things out. When she came home, I began asking her what happened there. But Mom was saying things I could not understand.

Then Dad came home. And Mom started to tell him something quietly. But I still heard that Mom said that she asked our assistant principal, “Why are you yelling at me?” Finally, Mom said to Dad that our assistant principal was just plain stupid.